I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
What did we do last night that was yellow?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
seriously i just wanna be friends
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Sry I called you an 8
hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Wat do u mean how?
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...