Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You coming home soon, man?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She even gives head with a lisp.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So many bounce houses so little time
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i came on her dog
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.