He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She told me I should be a condom model.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out