Texts From Last Night · Blackonyx421's Favorites

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Blackonyx421's Favorites Texts:

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(563): View more from Iowa

What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me

(1-563): View more from Iowa

You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding

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(406): View more from Montana

Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.

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(406): View more from Montana

Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"

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(406): View more from Montana

I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.

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(406): View more from Montana

Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.

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(406): View more from Montana

I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist

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(406): View more from Montana

Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul

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(406): View more from Montana

Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.

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(406): View more from Montana

There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.

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(406): View more from Montana

And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....

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(406): View more from Montana

I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN

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(406): View more from Montana

Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation

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(406): View more from Montana

There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland

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(406): View more from Montana

He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.

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(406): View more from Montana

My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls

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(406): View more from Montana

the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here

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(406): View more from Montana

Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid

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(406): View more from Montana

I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock

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(406): View more from Montana

Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.

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(406): View more from Montana

Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.

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(406): View more from Montana

Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...

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(406): View more from Montana

Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

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(406): View more from Montana

I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.

(1-406): View more from Montana

You're so romantic.

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(406): View more from Montana

There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.

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(406): View more from Montana

Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.

(901): View more from Tennessee

I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me

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(406): View more from Montana

Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.

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(406): View more from Montana

I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!

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(406): View more from Montana

We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!

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(406): View more from Montana

You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.

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(406): View more from Montana

I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive

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(406): View more from Montana

bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?

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(406): View more from Montana

Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.

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(406): View more from Montana

We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.

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(406): View more from Montana

There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.

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(406): View more from Montana

i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood

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(406): View more from Montana

She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!

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(406): View more from Montana

Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile

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(406): View more from Montana

Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.

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(406): View more from Montana

It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.

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(406): View more from Montana

I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.

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(406): View more from Montana

Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.

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(406): View more from Montana

He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.

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(406): View more from Montana

Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you

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(406): View more from Montana

Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.

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(406): View more from Montana

Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.

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(239): View more from Florida

Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?

(406): View more from Montana

Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one

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(406): View more from Montana

Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.

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(406): View more from Montana

Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad

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(406): View more from Montana

Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.

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(406): View more from Montana

You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.

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(406): View more from Montana

We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.

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(406): View more from Montana

its 2pm. u awake yet?

(1-406): View more from Montana

ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.

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(406): View more from Montana

were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open

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(406): View more from Montana

We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.

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(406): View more from Montana

I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.

(406): View more from Montana

YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.

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(406): View more from Montana

Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry

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(406): View more from Montana

We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.

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(406): View more from Montana

3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.

(1-406): View more from Montana

How stoned are you?

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(406): View more from Montana

WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA

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(406): View more from Montana

After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.

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(406): View more from Montana

I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period

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(406): View more from Montana

I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(

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(406): View more from Montana

Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me

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(406): View more from Montana

I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.

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(406): View more from Montana

The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...

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(406): View more from Montana

I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.

(1-406): View more from Montana

You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.

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(406): View more from Montana

Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...

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(406): View more from Montana

Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.

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(406): View more from Montana

So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?

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(406): View more from Montana

You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways

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(406): View more from Montana

All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off

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(406): View more from Montana

Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.

(1-406): View more from Montana

I'm not even gonna ask.

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(406): View more from Montana

I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.

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(406): View more from Montana

Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�

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(406): View more from Montana

He makes me want to shower. It must be love.

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(406): View more from Montana

I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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(406): View more from Montana

All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.

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(406): View more from Montana

I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people

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(406): View more from Montana

Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.

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(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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(406): View more from Montana

I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.

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(406): View more from Montana

I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote

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(406): View more from Montana

I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation

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(406): View more from Montana

Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight

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(406): View more from Montana

We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.

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(406): View more from Montana

She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"

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(406): View more from Montana

after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"

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(406): View more from Montana

Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"

(406): View more from Montana

Midwestern nice.

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(406): View more from Montana

I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself

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(406): View more from Montana

I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

... I threw up in the shower this morning

(406): View more from Montana

You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.

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(406): View more from Montana

Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.

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(406): View more from Montana

I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.

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(916): View more from California

Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(248): View more from Michigan

So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"

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(309): View more from Illinois

You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(406): View more from Montana

They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl

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(406): View more from Montana

we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig

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(406): View more from Montana

just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor

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(406): View more from Montana

The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.

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(406): View more from Montana

I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.

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(406): View more from Montana

Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift

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(406): View more from Montana

You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

(1-406): View more from Montana

That literally makes no sense

(406): View more from Montana

Exactly

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(406): View more from Montana

K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea

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(406): View more from Montana

I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

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(406): View more from Montana

Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?

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(406): View more from Montana

sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.

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(406): View more from Montana

I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.

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(406): View more from Montana

don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(406): View more from Montana

Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?

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(914): View more from New York

What are you wearing tonight?

(510): View more from California

The colors of the winddddddd

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(214): View more from Texas

She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter

(214): View more from Texas

Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.

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(802): View more from Vermont

He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.

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(406): View more from Montana

Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.

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(949): View more from California

'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome

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(316): View more from Kansas

Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter

(323): View more from California

yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake

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(614): View more from Ohio

my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat

(614): View more from Ohio

repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES

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(808): View more from Hawaii

They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call

(906): View more from Michigan

Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008

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(330): View more from Ohio

hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?

(614): View more from Ohio

is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?

(330): View more from Ohio

how did you know?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?

(707): View more from California

...did you eat that brownie?

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(360): View more from Washington

Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.

(360): View more from Washington

DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

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(212): View more from New York

When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?

(613): View more from Ontario

you're kidding right?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them

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(719): View more from Colorado

Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.

(303): View more from Colorado

Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.

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(718): View more from New York

He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!

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(343): View more from Ontario

Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(406): View more from Montana

He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.

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(406): View more from Montana

Drunk walkin through police station. America

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(406): View more from Montana

I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.

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(406): View more from Montana

Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(406): View more from Montana

You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend

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(406): View more from Montana

As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.

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(406): View more from Montana

I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.

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(406): View more from Montana

You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.

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(406): View more from Montana

i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.

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(406): View more from Montana

she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart

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(406): View more from Montana

She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??

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(406): View more from Montana

The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.

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(406): View more from Montana

It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.

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(406): View more from Montana

Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.

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(406): View more from Montana

i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(406): View more from Montana

He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

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(406): View more from Montana

you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob

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(406): View more from Montana

As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though

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(406): View more from Montana

drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.

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(406): View more from Montana

There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(406): View more from Montana

I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.

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(406): View more from Montana

I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.

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(406): View more from Montana

well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded

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(406): View more from Montana

stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it

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(509): View more from Washington

Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

(406): View more from Montana

Hospital.

(509): View more from Washington

I am invincible.

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(406): View more from Montana

We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god

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(406): View more from Montana

Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!

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(406): View more from Montana

Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king

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(406): View more from Montana

My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered

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(406): View more from Montana

Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him

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(406): View more from Montana

A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.

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(406): View more from Montana

Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar

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(406): View more from Montana

Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink

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(406): View more from Montana

i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes

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(406): View more from Montana

Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this

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(406): View more from Montana

And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha

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(406): View more from Montana

Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls

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(406): View more from Montana

you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday

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(406): View more from Montana

Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?

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(406): View more from Montana

130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(406): View more from Montana

You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.

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(406): View more from Montana

You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.

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(406): View more from Montana

You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.

(1-406): View more from Montana

That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.

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(406): View more from Montana

At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.

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(406): View more from Montana

I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.

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(406): View more from Montana

He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.

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(517): View more from Michigan

In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.

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(406): View more from Montana

I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage

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(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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(406): View more from Montana

He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...

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(406): View more from Montana

I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion

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(406): View more from Montana

We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.

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(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(937): View more from Ohio

I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.

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(231): View more from Michigan

the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(970): View more from Colorado

Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.

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(516): View more from New York

good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget

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(519): View more from Ontario

You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up

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(613): View more from Ontario

Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...

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(941): View more from Florida

Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(555): View more from

After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.

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(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

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(317): View more from Indiana

my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(330): View more from Ohio

what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish

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(740): View more from Ohio

Are my feet made of real feet?

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(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(541): View more from Oregon

just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..

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(970): View more from Colorado

We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.

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(850): View more from Florida

why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dave a horae rider a coqw boy

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(469): View more from Texas

Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?

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(613): View more from Ontario

I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked

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(512): View more from Texas

Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend

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(716): View more from New York

He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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(914): View more from New York

You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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(406): View more from Montana

i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome

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(845): View more from New York

she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

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(703): View more from Virginia

I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal

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(602): View more from Arizona

Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That's how you know you deserve to be a senior

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(865): View more from Tennessee

If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(727): View more from Florida

the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere

(1-727): View more from Florida

it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.

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(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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(205): View more from Alabama

he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

(417): View more from Missouri

I can't feel my brain.

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(406): View more from Montana

just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime

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(575): View more from New Mexico

My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

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(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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(406): View more from Montana

let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now

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(406): View more from Montana

To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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(406): View more from Montana

I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.

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(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

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(406): View more from Montana

I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense

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(424): View more from California

he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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(250): View more from British Columbia

She bit a glass in half.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(419): View more from Ohio

More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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(330): View more from Ohio

I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.

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(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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(406): View more from Montana

He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.

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(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(330): View more from Ohio

If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.

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(904): View more from Florida

Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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(903): View more from Texas

Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(619): View more from California

Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.

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(406): View more from Montana

It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(256): View more from Alabama

do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever

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(406): View more from Montana

One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?

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(646): View more from New York

Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.

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(406): View more from Montana

I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(406): View more from Montana

So, how was the dinner

(1-406): View more from Montana

Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.

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(406): View more from Montana

When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.

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(406): View more from Montana

my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.

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(406): View more from Montana

also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)

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(406): View more from Montana

Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.

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(406): View more from Montana

The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.

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(406): View more from Montana

Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.

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(406): View more from Montana

she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.

(320): View more from Minnesota

He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.

(406): View more from Montana

Ok, i'm coming over

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(406): View more from Montana

we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

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(406): View more from Montana

Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass

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(406): View more from Montana

someone owes me an orgasm

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(406): View more from Montana

We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.

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(406): View more from Montana

Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

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(509): View more from Washington

Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.

(406): View more from Montana

IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.

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(406): View more from Montana

That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.

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(406): View more from Montana

I need a leather bustier to keep them in.

(925): View more from California

Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.

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(406): View more from Montana

This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends

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(406): View more from Montana

he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.

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(406): View more from Montana

i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal

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(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(406): View more from Montana

Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...

(303): View more from Colorado

Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(406): View more from Montana

That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.

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(406): View more from Montana

Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.

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(406): View more from Montana

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

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(406): View more from Montana

We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.

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(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

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(406): View more from Montana

What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?

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(406): View more from Montana

Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.

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(406): View more from Montana

he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

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(406): View more from Montana

I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

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(406): View more from Montana

she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.

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(406): View more from Montana

Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(406): View more from Montana

Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(912): View more from Georgia

just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(769): View more from Mississippi

she said she likes her vagina punished

(1-769): View more from Mississippi

being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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