gunblades17's Favorites Texts:

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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap

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  (336): That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap http://tfl.nu/hjra
  Replies (3) Good night (145) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.

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  (614): Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro. http://tfl.nu/qoaz
  Replies (2) Good night (551) Bad night (119)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.

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  (484): Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you. http://tfl.nu/arry
  Replies (5) Good night (590) Bad night (170) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol

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  (617): I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol http://tfl.nu/guix
  Replies (3) Good night (676) Bad night (152) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you

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  (740): No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you http://tfl.nu/56sg
  Replies (1) Good night (853) Bad night (139) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (863): View more from Florida

  If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.

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  (863): If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis. http://tfl.nu/mwio
  Replies (5) Good night (660) Bad night (143) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.

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  (+44): Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process. http://tfl.nu/j8pd
  Replies (1) Good night (462) Bad night (160) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.

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  (+44): We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever. http://tfl.nu/yqo8
  Replies (3) Good night (728) Bad night (203) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.

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  (586): I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them. http://tfl.nu/3swq
  Replies (2) Good night (398) Bad night (183) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.

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  (303): No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities. http://tfl.nu/n27f
  Replies (1) Good night (503) Bad night (159)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.

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  (270): He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE. http://tfl.nu/8wqq
  Replies (4) Good night (639) Bad night (200) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.

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  (603): Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by. http://tfl.nu/jwsa
  Replies (2) Good night (935) Bad night (168) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"

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  (218): The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!" http://tfl.nu/8p22
  Replies (7) Good night (754) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.

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  (719): Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up. http://tfl.nu/uyof
  Replies (5) Good night (1258) Bad night (239)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great

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  (610): I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great http://tfl.nu/gyhs
  Replies (2) Good night (892) Bad night (161) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.

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  (618): Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose. http://tfl.nu/98w1
  Replies (2) Good night (809) Bad night (222) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon

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  (817): apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon http://tfl.nu/fh3y
  Replies (2) Good night (748) Bad night (146) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  omg i wish you could see the front of my car.

  (909): View more from California

  There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.

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  (909): omg i wish you could see the front of my car. (909): There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood. http://tfl.nu/64tw
  Replies (7) Good night (795) Bad night (128)
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.

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  (239): I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night. http://tfl.nu/o908
  Replies (4) Good night (449) Bad night (179) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

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  (502): Would you like season tickets to my vagina? http://tfl.nu/fkgh
  Replies (12) Good night (1429) Bad night (149) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.

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  (201): It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night. http://tfl.nu/1gt9
  Replies (2) Good night (545) Bad night (189) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words

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  (704): She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words http://tfl.nu/kxrj
  Replies (5) Good night (691) Bad night (149) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.

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  (727): I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade. http://tfl.nu/63zw
  Replies (2) Good night (670) Bad night (142) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field

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  (585): this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field http://tfl.nu/wzry
  Replies (2) Good night (366) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night

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  (517): The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night http://tfl.nu/871q
  Replies (3) Good night (476) Bad night (156) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.

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  (770): Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it. http://tfl.nu/r24g
  Replies (6) Good night (265) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...

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  (508): You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes... http://tfl.nu/do6f
  Replies (1) Good night (612) Bad night (259) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.

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  (970): If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes. http://tfl.nu/8b4y
  Replies (1) Good night (602) Bad night (242) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.

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  (810): I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP. http://tfl.nu/97xo
  Replies (7) Good night (2161) Bad night (285) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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  (270): Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man. http://tfl.nu/achk
  Replies (9) Good night (1912) Bad night (192) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing

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  (312): Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing http://tfl.nu/oxks
  Replies (8) Good night (1138) Bad night (224) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.

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  (702): At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out. (1-702): If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week. http://tfl.nu/ued1
  Replies (4) Good night (984) Bad night (150)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  ...

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.

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  (215): I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward. (1-215): ... (215): I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure. http://tfl.nu/h70g
  Replies (5) Good night (744) Bad night (218)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything

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  (304): I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything http://tfl.nu/gg1p
  Replies (6) Good night (1047) Bad night (164)
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really

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  (231): You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really http://tfl.nu/kw3p
  Replies (6) Good night (1150) Bad night (172) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any

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  (307): Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any http://tfl.nu/i4l6
  Replies (3) Good night (190) Bad night (472) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.

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  (804): You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats. http://tfl.nu/xqs5
  Replies (5) Good night (843) Bad night (148) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Is it rude if I don't go?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.

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  (224): Is it rude if I don't go? (248): No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party. http://tfl.nu/zhsj
  Replies (5) Good night (1074) Bad night (256)
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  (310): View more from California

  Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.

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  (310): Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds. http://tfl.nu/m30n
  Replies (3) Good night (946) Bad night (221) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day

  (408): View more from California

  Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry

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  (707): I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day (408): Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry http://tfl.nu/3wks
  Replies (5) Good night (764) Bad night (221)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours

  (646): View more from New York

  This text was so worth waking up to

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  (407): I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours (646): This text was so worth waking up to http://tfl.nu/6rgp
  Replies (4) Good night (642) Bad night (170)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.

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  (423): We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off. http://tfl.nu/yele
  Replies (17) Good night (2742) Bad night (173)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night

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  (401): My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night http://tfl.nu/qfjr
  Replies (4) Good night (1125) Bad night (166) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.

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  (917): Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life. http://tfl.nu/kv1x
  Replies (11) Good night (520) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.

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  (734): I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game. http://tfl.nu/jsqs
  Replies (7) Good night (177) Bad night (450) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"

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  (217): what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?" http://tfl.nu/sbqo
  Replies (9) Good night (504) Bad night (892)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.

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  (847): I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday. http://tfl.nu/imb1
  Replies (9) Good night (335) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Happy birthday, you long dick monster

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  (541): Happy birthday, you long dick monster http://tfl.nu/0cme
  Replies (9) Good night (1176) Bad night (177) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

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  (805): It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT! http://tfl.nu/78gh
  Replies (5) Good night (1118) Bad night (267)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Nothing says love like couples STD testing

  (972): View more from Texas

  Nothing says breakup like the results

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  (214): Nothing says love like couples STD testing (972): Nothing says breakup like the results http://tfl.nu/3283
  Replies (6) Good night (1318) Bad night (436)
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  (310): View more from California

  thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.

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  (310): thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones. http://tfl.nu/qrwe
  Replies (5) Good night (974) Bad night (262)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!

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  (616): i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!! (1-616): BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!! http://tfl.nu/gsty
  Replies (2) Good night (421) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.

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  (202): It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks. (202): I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to. http://tfl.nu/wpl5
  Replies (10) Good night (1238) Bad night (467)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.

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  (719): I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room. http://tfl.nu/d9w2
  Replies (6) Good night (1544) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes

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  (780): Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes http://tfl.nu/7wy7
  Replies (6) Good night (362) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...

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  (702): there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya... http://tfl.nu/edke
  Replies (6) Good night (490) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Formal letter or email.

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  (647): How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks? (416): Formal letter or email. http://tfl.nu/qlv5
  Replies (4) Good night (1065) Bad night (253)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.

  (1-506): View more from New Brunswick

  Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.

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  (505): She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once. (1-506): Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring. http://tfl.nu/s5ra
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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  (616): if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore http://tfl.nu/orke
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  (818): View more from California

  We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

  (619): View more from California

  I will find you...

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  (818): We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank. (619): I will find you... http://tfl.nu/dshk
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.

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  (701): Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard. http://tfl.nu/ybia
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless

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  (860): The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless http://tfl.nu/aa5s
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...

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  (269): Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still... http://tfl.nu/u0uu
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  (914): View more from New York

  When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.

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  (914): When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked. http://tfl.nu/4q7m
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  (619): View more from California

  I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening

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  (619): I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening http://tfl.nu/88kw
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.

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  (660): I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now. http://tfl.nu/b4q6
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.

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  (910): Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music. http://tfl.nu/9l8h
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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  (705): He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on. http://tfl.nu/2ncf
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  (212): View more from New York

  I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"

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  (212): I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy" http://tfl.nu/3mee
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.

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  (251): We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies. http://tfl.nu/6jxt
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  (628): View more from California

  Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.

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  (628): Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes. http://tfl.nu/sfav
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.

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  (828): We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it. http://tfl.nu/17vl
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome

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  (269): Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome http://tfl.nu/saqv
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!

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  (618): Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT! http://tfl.nu/daki
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.

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  (603): Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it. http://tfl.nu/oyn2
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  (949): View more from California

  We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.

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  (949): We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex. http://tfl.nu/qzkw
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.

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  (218): I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over. http://tfl.nu/5car
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i came so hard i kicked through my windshield

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  (215): i came so hard i kicked through my windshield http://tfl.nu/sfns
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  (512): View more from Texas

  There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

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  (512): There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls. http://tfl.nu/qrvu
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it

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  (774): Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down? (978): I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it http://tfl.nu/io4i
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on

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  (508): he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on http://tfl.nu/t183
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  (207): View more from Maine

  My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.

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  (207): My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday. http://tfl.nu/r4jt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  You went over didnt you?

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  (210): He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with (1-210): You went over didnt you? http://tfl.nu/ykhn
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.

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  (561): I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover. http://tfl.nu/c2xb
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.

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  (240): I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber. http://tfl.nu/iuw9
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.

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  (678): Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to. (404): We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit. http://tfl.nu/4kzw
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.

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  (603): No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized. http://tfl.nu/mdx3
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.

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  (+44): When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits. http://tfl.nu/jw7g
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.

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  (217): I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine. http://tfl.nu/bpq4
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  (516): View more from New York

  Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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  (516): Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet. http://tfl.nu/uizc
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.

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  (563): I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud. http://tfl.nu/0vsx
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  (845): View more from New York

  I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...

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  (845): I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex... http://tfl.nu/82t9
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Your topless pictures make me question reality

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  (815): Your topless pictures make me question reality http://tfl.nu/0lfq
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.

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  (224): Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please. http://tfl.nu/hx0x
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.

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  (713): Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon. http://tfl.nu/r8yq
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.

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  (205): So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well. http://tfl.nu/tmpt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge

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  (208): You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge http://tfl.nu/7xq9
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.

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  (815): YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS. http://tfl.nu/33fz
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.

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  (405): I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it. http://tfl.nu/f6bj
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.

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  (317): Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced. http://tfl.nu/5tm9
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

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  (732): Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out http://tfl.nu/mgiw
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess

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  (773): How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess http://tfl.nu/u340
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"

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  (309): my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school" http://tfl.nu/0p2q
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.

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  (713): Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair. http://tfl.nu/2yyf
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I care about my drink far more than her feelings

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  (507): I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink (815): I care about my drink far more than her feelings http://tfl.nu/v6if
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.

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  (540): Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot. http://tfl.nu/omko
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look

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  (254): I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look http://tfl.nu/jucs
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

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  (770): There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese. (404): My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe. http://tfl.nu/muox
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.

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  (912): Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever. http://tfl.nu/pxkj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha

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  (203): I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha http://tfl.nu/gfdl
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  (716): View more from New York

  Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.

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  (716): Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly. http://tfl.nu/tse2
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  (253): View more from Washington

  For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.

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  (253): For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo. http://tfl.nu/ryca
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

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  (701): in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head. http://tfl.nu/rwbn
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  (323): View more from California

  Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.

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  (323): Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud. http://tfl.nu/58eq
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.

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  (647): I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool. http://tfl.nu/nmia
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

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  (573): Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex. http://tfl.nu/smrh
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  (858): View more from California

  PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.

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  (858): PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS. http://tfl.nu/mje4
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  Um, OK. WTF?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.

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  (410): Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy. (1-410): Um, OK. WTF? (410): The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times. http://tfl.nu/4f6p
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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  (660): On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics. http://tfl.nu/mn1y
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

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  (208): He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in http://tfl.nu/d89r
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners

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  (551): Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners http://tfl.nu/77j3
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

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  (732): Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome http://tfl.nu/8jcl
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?

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  (586): Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon? http://tfl.nu/3p6a
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  (559): View more from California

  so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"

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  (559): so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?" http://tfl.nu/cy8a
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...

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  (706): It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend... http://tfl.nu/nn4b
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.

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  (910): I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex. http://tfl.nu/1bgl
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.

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  (202): To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned. http://tfl.nu/z20l
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.

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  (202): He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left. http://tfl.nu/yd2u
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.

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  (705): My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class. http://tfl.nu/olmr
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  YES.

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  (513): People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join? (1-513): YES. http://tfl.nu/e51l
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.

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  (330): There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists. http://tfl.nu/kdms
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs

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  (507): You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me (815): I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs http://tfl.nu/bc51
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?

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  (734): Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex? http://tfl.nu/vpmt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  We can Fuck in the shower to save time

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.

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  (262): We can Fuck in the shower to save time (1-262): And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative. http://tfl.nu/wr55
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you

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  (636): I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you http://tfl.nu/1ybh
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.

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  (913): This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for. http://tfl.nu/vkxq
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.

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  (720): Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay. http://tfl.nu/q60w
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  (631): View more from New York

  I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!

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  (631): I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila! http://tfl.nu/xkdv
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  (760): View more from California

  Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun

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  (760): Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun http://tfl.nu/taap
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  (718): View more from New York

  Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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  (718): Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really. http://tfl.nu/n2d1
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.

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  (904): Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos. http://tfl.nu/hz9c
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again

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  (240): All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again http://tfl.nu/54xi
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.

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  (404): He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer. (404): In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup. http://tfl.nu/9ays
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.

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  (262): She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor... (262): I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho. http://tfl.nu/4nj6
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...

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  (207): Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final... http://tfl.nu/w8p1
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.

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  (312): Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows. http://tfl.nu/kvi1
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?

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  (615): Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport? http://tfl.nu/4yvq
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER

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  (434): THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER http://tfl.nu/7inm
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  (310): View more from California

  Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.

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  (310): Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage. http://tfl.nu/meih
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.

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  (678): So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch. http://tfl.nu/2vud
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  (845): View more from New York

  i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend

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  (845): i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend http://tfl.nu/47gg
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.

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  (757): It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets. http://tfl.nu/9hch
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad

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  (302): Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad http://tfl.nu/cr01
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha

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  (515): Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha http://tfl.nu/i50q
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.

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  (610): I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real. http://tfl.nu/qhs0
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  ...Wow...

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I could be a kindergarten teacher

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  (309): It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life. (1-309): ...Wow... (309): I could be a kindergarten teacher http://tfl.nu/o4tt
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  (310): View more from California

  We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating

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  (310): We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating http://tfl.nu/6jwq
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song

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  (417): For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song http://tfl.nu/a91l
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.

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  (330): Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me. http://tfl.nu/bro7
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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  (432): Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat" http://tfl.nu/ofhr
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?

  (1+61): View more from

  Mobile recharge?

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  (+61): What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls? (1+61): Mobile recharge? http://tfl.nu/wf5a
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I stand by it.

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  (507): You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her" (815): I stand by it. http://tfl.nu/atfq
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.

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  (937): We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you. http://tfl.nu/h5o1
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING

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  (907): ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING http://tfl.nu/zq26
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.

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  (416): im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough. http://tfl.nu/1lj7
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?

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  (506): Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs? http://tfl.nu/qbtb
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  (650): View more from California

  We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

  (650): View more from California

  And so far nothing been broken!

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  (650): We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum. (650): And so far nothing been broken! http://tfl.nu/0yij
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?

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  (404): Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint? http://tfl.nu/u2ry
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.

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  (615): There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%. http://tfl.nu/531s
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

  (316): View more from Kansas

  That's the best creepy text ever.

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  (602): Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday. (316): That's the best creepy text ever. http://tfl.nu/6lgb
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg

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  (774): did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise (908): omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg http://tfl.nu/l4h8
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  (646): View more from New York

  I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.

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  (646): I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could. http://tfl.nu/xxra
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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  (410): We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off. http://tfl.nu/hhrd
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

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  (314): shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help http://tfl.nu/q76e
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....

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  (912): Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time.... http://tfl.nu/fwcj
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.

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  (978): I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency. http://tfl.nu/azpx
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi

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  (321): Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi http://tfl.nu/jeyc
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  our poor poor cab driver

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  (267): you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight" (610): our poor poor cab driver http://tfl.nu/cgof
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.

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  (425): I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help. (1-425): I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity. http://tfl.nu/3ise
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.

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  (540): We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment. http://tfl.nu/ze3a
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right

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  (703): Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right http://tfl.nu/qcjq
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  (530): View more from California

  Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.

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  (530): Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important. http://tfl.nu/xc0u
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

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  (319): That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion" http://tfl.nu/w9if
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  (509): View more from Washington

  My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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  (509): My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand http://tfl.nu/ch2o
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  This is why I married you.

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  (479): The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning. (479): Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight? (1-479): This is why I married you. http://tfl.nu/g5es
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

  (301): View more from Maryland

  That wasn't a compliment.

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  (202): She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal." (301): That wasn't a compliment. http://tfl.nu/gg7a
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.

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  (540): He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever. http://tfl.nu/fmlb
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.

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  (515): Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself. http://tfl.nu/ezc4
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.

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  (507): Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it. http://tfl.nu/8sjw
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  (631): View more from New York

  Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.

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  (631): Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner. http://tfl.nu/12fk
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  (760): View more from California

  He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.

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  (760): He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes. http://tfl.nu/l52c
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

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  (727): I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe" http://tfl.nu/2m07
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?

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  (208): I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off? http://tfl.nu/5ghu
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

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  (954): Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!" http://tfl.nu/vh6t
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  (407): View more from Florida

  When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?

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  (407): When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad? http://tfl.nu/v8ru
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...

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  (731): Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels... http://tfl.nu/6gyu
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  (850): View more from Florida

  That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.

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  (850): That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving. http://tfl.nu/fvqq
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?

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  (920): My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls? http://tfl.nu/f946
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.

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  (813): Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick. http://tfl.nu/1ytv
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  (650): View more from California

  Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night

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  (650): Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night http://tfl.nu/338b
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.

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  (706): My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up. http://tfl.nu/hq93
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.

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  (864): her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality. http://tfl.nu/j8og
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.

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  (507): You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success. http://tfl.nu/320u
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  (716): View more from New York

  I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.

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  (716): I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming. http://tfl.nu/r1ch
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him

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  (419): I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him http://tfl.nu/czew
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.

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  (410): You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it. http://tfl.nu/i008
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  (760): View more from California

  We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix

  (760): View more from California

  THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE

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  (760): We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix (760): THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE http://tfl.nu/hk7r
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.

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  (816): He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship. http://tfl.nu/hu0s
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.

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  (412): I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine. (412): Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out. http://tfl.nu/kfiz
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Post that event on your timeline

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  (812): Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina (513): Post that event on your timeline http://tfl.nu/4t95
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  (925): View more from California

  I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission

  (925): View more from California

  Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol

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  (925): I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission (925): Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol http://tfl.nu/zmin
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.

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  (832): Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL. http://tfl.nu/25yr
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."

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  (412): I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from." http://tfl.nu/4vvg
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.

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  (713): Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help. http://tfl.nu/jai4
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  (916): View more from California

  We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate

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  (916): We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate http://tfl.nu/nz9m
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  (845): View more from New York

  I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.

  (845): View more from New York

  I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"

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  (845): I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home. (845): I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip" http://tfl.nu/e0kb
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  (209): View more from California

  I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

  (209): View more from California

  Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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  (209): I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now. (209): Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4. http://tfl.nu/hx3p
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  (772): View more from Florida

  Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

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  (772): Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. http://tfl.nu/4fru
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.

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  (570): I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out. http://tfl.nu/9vp6
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome

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  (815): When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome http://tfl.nu/kf51
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I rest my case.

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  (720): ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO. (1-720): Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving. (720): I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW. (720): I rest my case. http://tfl.nu/ktzi
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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  (864): Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that. http://tfl.nu/ou7s
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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  (937): Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work. http://tfl.nu/wxxj
  Replies (13) Good night (2779) Bad night (365)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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  (617): Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane. http://tfl.nu/ph9r
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"

  (630): View more from Illinois

  you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you

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  (312): I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD" (630): you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you http://tfl.nu/ztcf
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it

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  (541): I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it http://tfl.nu/0g6v
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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  (413): Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker" (1-413): I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family http://tfl.nu/b85j
  Replies (7) Good night (1983) Bad night (310)
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

  (1-504): View more from Louisiana

  omg mom no

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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  (504): How many stacks you been grindin gangsta? (1-504): omg mom no (504): It's so blood brotha crip what be good http://tfl.nu/20m9
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

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  (570): It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?! http://tfl.nu/21am
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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  (612): He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket. (1-651): It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm. http://tfl.nu/ei3h
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  who dressed up as a cop at your party???

  (1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

  idk I have to check. Why?

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.

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  (724): who dressed up as a cop at your party??? (1-724): idk I have to check. Why? (724): he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM. http://tfl.nu/wn9a
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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  (540): I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey? http://tfl.nu/z446
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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  (201): All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched http://tfl.nu/r5ws
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  (534): View more from Wisconsin

  He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime

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  (534): He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime http://tfl.nu/bhm3
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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  (905): And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced. http://tfl.nu/b7p5
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  (914): View more from New York

  she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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  (914): she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it" http://tfl.nu/fy2z
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  (310): View more from California

  so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

  (818): View more from California

  by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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  (310): so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA? (818): by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ http://tfl.nu/5i2r
  Replies (43) Good night (13880) Bad night (969)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.

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  (804): If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks. http://tfl.nu/t0d1
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!

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  (702): But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder! http://tfl.nu/rxkw
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  (716): View more from New York

  People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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  (716): People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz http://tfl.nu/sutg
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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  (303): You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher? (720): Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced. http://tfl.nu/qahj
  Replies (35) Good night (12523) Bad night (1151)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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  (240): last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours http://tfl.nu/1nv0
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  New charity walk idea!

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  (703): Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished. (202): New charity walk idea! http://tfl.nu/skxt
  Replies (31) Good night (12993) Bad night (761)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  True romance of the 21st century.

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  (410): He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too. (1-410): True romance of the 21st century. http://tfl.nu/laza
  Replies (62) Good night (13047) Bad night (1093)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ask politely.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats good enough.

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  (484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir
  Replies (62) Good night (13197) Bad night (1110)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  wasnt he a virgin

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

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  (732): we just fucked in the mcds parking lot (1-732): wasnt he a virgin (732): yes we got celebratory milkshakes after http://tfl.nu/wnnd
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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  (503): I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you (541): I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/6ejs
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  (407): View more from Florida

  this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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  (407): this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god. http://tfl.nu/34d8
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

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  (603): this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with. http://tfl.nu/tzze
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  (727): View more from Florida

  i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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  (727): i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR. http://tfl.nu/oyj0
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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  (226): This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon http://tfl.nu/4pbx
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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  (972): I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that. http://tfl.nu/304s
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  (718): View more from New York

  what happened last night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

  (718): View more from New York

  that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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  (718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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  (215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk. (610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect. http://tfl.nu/dim5
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.

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  (434): There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically. http://tfl.nu/76cj
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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  (313): Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone. http://tfl.nu/vfbd
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  (559): View more from California

  So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

  (1-559): View more from California

  That depends on who this is.

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  (559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true? (1-559): That depends on who this is. http://tfl.nu/a6jm
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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  (202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me. http://tfl.nu/uo6c
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (323): View more from California

  I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.

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  (323): I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom. http://tfl.nu/rbnh
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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  (201): If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box? http://tfl.nu/nvmk
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  (509): View more from Washington

  She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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  (509): She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after http://tfl.nu/tns7
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

  (1-480): View more from Arizona

  i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  k i'll be over in 5.

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  (480): just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds. (1-480): i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice. (480): k i'll be over in 5. http://tfl.nu/rkxl
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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  (708): He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS. http://tfl.nu/pf4u
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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  (215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro http://tfl.nu/bhdm
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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  (847): i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy http://tfl.nu/8awt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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  (828): so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/xwig
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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  (269): So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow (1-269): Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10 http://tfl.nu/n472
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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  (206): I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log. http://tfl.nu/ft0h
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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  (314): he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting" http://tfl.nu/dmjy
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  (310): View more from California

  and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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  (310): and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity http://tfl.nu/4zrt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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  (513): why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position http://tfl.nu/vjj2
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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  (917): so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center (1-917): you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth http://tfl.nu/ukvm
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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  (816): He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork. http://tfl.nu/6zkt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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  (504): how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades? http://tfl.nu/s5wu
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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  (601): having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things http://tfl.nu/w4id
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
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  (940): View more from Texas

  She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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  (940): She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one. http://tfl.nu/4xsk
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  (209): View more from California

  dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

  (1-209): View more from California

  nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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  (209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity (1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all http://tfl.nu/t93h
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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  (609): Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand. http://tfl.nu/nkg8
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  (707): View more from California

  My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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  (707): My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet." http://tfl.nu/s1m4
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  (310): View more from California

  i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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  (310): i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over. http://tfl.nu/nwsy
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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  (843): He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name. http://tfl.nu/s3qy
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

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  (401): how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards? http://tfl.nu/ktqz
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  (310): View more from California

  While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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  (310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating. http://tfl.nu/umg8
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  (903): View more from Texas

  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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  (865): is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend? http://tfl.nu/lq8q
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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  (440): You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music http://tfl.nu/f2pv
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm out of practice. be my yoda

  (314): View more from Missouri

  put your penis in her you must.

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  (314): doooooooo herrrrrrrrr (504): I'm out of practice. be my yoda (314): put your penis in her you must. http://tfl.nu/ti1e
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  (626): View more from California

  Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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  (626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is. http://tfl.nu/41jw
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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  (423): my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg http://tfl.nu/cjr9
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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  (617): shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick http://tfl.nu/i68n
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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  (703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake". http://tfl.nu/w0jz
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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  (812): The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean? http://tfl.nu/84o9
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  (530): View more from California

  I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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  (530): I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite http://tfl.nu/1k7e
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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  (703): we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints. http://tfl.nu/3trl
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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  (905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there. http://tfl.nu/fkqx
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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  (503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass. http://tfl.nu/xi9h
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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  (636): Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half. http://tfl.nu/fs6e
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  (916): View more from California

  So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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  (916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off? http://tfl.nu/zq3l
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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  (843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again. http://tfl.nu/1qgn
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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  (502): I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer http://tfl.nu/cllh
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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  (774): It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God. http://tfl.nu/c3gg
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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  (817): Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him. http://tfl.nu/25q8
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