I can't put those talents on a resume
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Still dying that you shit outside
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You need Xanax blowdarts
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We have so much sex to catch up on
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I didn't notice because vodka
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We have started to decorate penises.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom