I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
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