Texts From Last Night · mudhussin's Favorites

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.

(360): View more from Washington

I hate that cat.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?

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(415): View more from California

just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

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(516): View more from New York

Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.

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(214): View more from Texas

Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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(480): View more from Arizona

I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?

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(224): View more from Illinois

I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(443): View more from Maryland

repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.

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(845): View more from New York

I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

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(718): View more from New York

he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

(917): View more from New York City

smooth operator

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?

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(914): View more from New York

The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

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(773): View more from Illinois

At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?

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(404): View more from Georgia

They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.

(618): View more from Illinois

Disappointment?

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(805): View more from California

we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(813): View more from Florida

Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

It usually does with you

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(662): View more from Mississippi

"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(360): View more from Washington

All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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(805): View more from California

at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.

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(516): View more from New York

whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?

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(818): View more from California

Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(845): View more from New York

im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to

(1-845): View more from New York

i wanted you to too

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(314): View more from Missouri

so how does one go about finding a summer fling?

(214): View more from Texas

take advantage of an intern

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(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

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(847): View more from Illinois

so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?

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(816): View more from Missouri

is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(904): View more from Florida

my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you

(386): View more from Florida

girlfriend?

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(607): View more from New York

I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup

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(551): View more from New Jersey

i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(312): View more from Illinois

dude, your ex-bf is on match.com

(847): View more from Illinois

details on that.

(312): View more from Illinois

well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.

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(207): View more from Maine

so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(516): View more from New York

until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Not having phil's child is good enough.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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(705): View more from Ontario

It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(817): View more from Texas

I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?

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(407): View more from Florida

So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(419): View more from Ohio

you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you

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(972): View more from Texas

So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.

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(207): View more from Maine

guess who has a date tonight

(401): View more from Rhode Island

look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed

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(360): View more from Washington

I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.

(646): View more from New York

I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.

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(816): View more from Missouri

normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.

(713): View more from Texas

I'm coming over.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(804): View more from Virginia

god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(949): View more from California

Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?

(619): View more from California

hahahahahahahahahahaha

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(949): View more from California

The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

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(626): View more from California

The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(248): View more from Michigan

yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)

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(602): View more from Arizona

where are you

(303): View more from Colorado

in your bedroom

(602): View more from Arizona

how did you get in

(303): View more from Colorado

your wife…

(602): View more from Arizona

WTF

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(248): View more from Michigan

You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Who?

(248): View more from Michigan

Chris brown

(1-248): View more from Michigan

No way... I bet he was intense

(248): View more from Michigan

Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(309): View more from Illinois

My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass

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(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.

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(818): View more from California

Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award

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(631): View more from New York

I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.

(1-631): View more from New York

I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.

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(949): View more from California

Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(518): View more from New York

you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

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(716): View more from New York

On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar

(1-716): View more from New York

I think you broke the trashy scale

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

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(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

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(971): View more from Oregon

one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.

(706): View more from Georgia

i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...

(971): View more from Oregon

it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(619): View more from California

woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(754): View more from Florida

you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..

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(951): View more from California

my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

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(314): View more from Missouri

used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.

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(214): View more from Texas

If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

At least make sure they are 18

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Why

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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(+32): View more from Belgium

guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(516): View more from New York

Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars

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(315): View more from New York

Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

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(615): View more from Tennessee

of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

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(253): View more from Washington

I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

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(315): View more from New York

he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

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(631): View more from New York

I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...

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(713): View more from Texas

Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.

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(310): View more from California

If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.

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(708): View more from Illinois

its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

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(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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(718): View more from New York

Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

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(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

we're making bets on your personal life

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(720): View more from Colorado

You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.

(317): View more from Indiana

And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt

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(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(860): View more from Connecticut

what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

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(817): View more from Texas

Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(512): View more from Texas

There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.

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(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(714): View more from California

i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll

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(305): View more from Florida

Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(415): View more from California

Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.

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(512): View more from Texas

just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

(1-512): View more from Texas

pretty standard. you have fun last night?

(512): View more from Texas

apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

(1-512): View more from Texas

typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve

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(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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(769): View more from Mississippi

she said she likes her vagina punished

(1-769): View more from Mississippi

being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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(562): View more from California

just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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(409): View more from Texas

Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.

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(890): View more from

whats a polygalesbian?

(728): View more from

lesbian polygamists..duh.

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(425): View more from Washington

the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.

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(206): View more from Washington

There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it

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(905): View more from Toronto

FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.

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(905): View more from Ontario

while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"

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(631): View more from New York

Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?

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(316): View more from Kansas

Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

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