checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
this just has baby written all over it
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Wipe that smile off your face.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm going to jail i love you
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
birth control should be required to get into college
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
two words...techno handjob
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
a search helicopter?!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
no you cant smoke seaweed
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.