congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
im so drunk with asians
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I told you penises don't tan
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys