Lwoww's Favorites Texts:

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  (801): View more from Utah

  Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.

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  (801): Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body. http://tfl.nu/oco3
  Replies (4) Good night (815) Bad night (2514) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.

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  (313): Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever. http://tfl.nu/w4r8
  Replies (8) Good night (989) Bad night (2969) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism

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  (651): Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism http://tfl.nu/8f4x
  Replies (4) Good night (3271) Bad night (775) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight

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  (416): I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight http://tfl.nu/k1ij
  Replies (7) Good night (3593) Bad night (1176) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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  (780): Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/3qrw
  Replies (8) Good night (4922) Bad night (1745) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

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  (303): That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now. http://tfl.nu/5jdl
  Replies (13) Good night (5737) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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  (845): alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization. http://tfl.nu/1m6d
  Replies (16) Good night (8452) Bad night (1118) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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  (405): i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it. (1-405): i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. " http://tfl.nu/mvrv
  Replies (40) Good night (9586) Bad night (945)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.

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  (402): I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members. http://tfl.nu/ande
  Replies (19) Good night (1740) Bad night (3522) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  it was like a zeppelin in a condom

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  (212): it was like a zeppelin in a condom http://tfl.nu/vkzf
  Replies (27) Good night (4207) Bad night (985) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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  (917): M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/5zhv
  Replies (22) Good night (7101) Bad night (878) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.

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  (336): I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit. http://tfl.nu/udb7
  Replies (13) Good night (3643) Bad night (2320) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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  (513): I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen. http://tfl.nu/9jnz
  Replies (19) Good night (5147) Bad night (824)
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

  (561): View more from Florida

  But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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  (561): Bad news is he broke up with me via text message (561): But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville http://tfl.nu/1qx8
  Replies (28) Good night (6880) Bad night (1236)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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  (816): Absence makes the cock grow harder. http://tfl.nu/yyl1
  Replies (17) Good night (6617) Bad night (1076) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics

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  (513): i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics http://tfl.nu/sgxc
  Replies (9) Good night (4097) Bad night (943) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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  (570): you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her http://tfl.nu/jaz5
  Replies (39) Good night (8399) Bad night (1257) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  tequila makes me forget i have legs

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  (250): tequila makes me forget i have legs http://tfl.nu/9rzk
  Replies (25) Good night (5994) Bad night (1099) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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  (916): Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius. http://tfl.nu/nzur
  Replies (26) Good night (6554) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
  Replies (26) Good night (12751) Bad night (1084) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.

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  (248): He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me. http://tfl.nu/d9on
  Replies (18) Good night (4488) Bad night (1053) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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  (210): Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO. http://tfl.nu/ip2n
  Replies (27) Good night (8288) Bad night (1076) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

  (503): View more from Oregon

  How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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  (206): I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians (503): How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often? http://tfl.nu/gll8
  Replies (20) Good night (5095) Bad night (993)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.

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  (612): we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour. http://tfl.nu/nwj9
  Replies (11) Good night (4259) Bad night (1224) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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  (303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. http://tfl.nu/6jog
  Replies (22) Good night (8311) Bad night (1259) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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  (908): Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage. http://tfl.nu/uh3k
  Replies (14) Good night (5613) Bad night (1153) Order T-Shirt
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  The police scanner is talking about you again....

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  (712): The police scanner is talking about you again.... http://tfl.nu/f6sk
  Replies (16) Good night (8468) Bad night (1199) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
  Replies (51) Good night (17131) Bad night (1405)
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  (716): View more from New York

  One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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  (716): One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl. http://tfl.nu/aaag
  Replies (16) Good night (5211) Bad night (903) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

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  (650): Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart. http://tfl.nu/8dw8
  Replies (18) Good night (5208) Bad night (1103) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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  (603): my cup is half full, half full of rum. http://tfl.nu/ajky
  Replies (11) Good night (5224) Bad night (748) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could

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  (908): you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could http://tfl.nu/ea9t
  Replies (4) Good night (3261) Bad night (1043) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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  (425): her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle. http://tfl.nu/baj8
  Replies (52) Good night (2195) Bad night (7738) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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  (740): you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god http://tfl.nu/byer
  Replies (25) Good night (7387) Bad night (893) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.

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  (443): repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. http://tfl.nu/ux00
  Replies (16) Good night (5582) Bad night (1253) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Two words Indian burn...

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  What did she think it was, a shake weight?

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  (806): Two words Indian burn... (1-806): What did she think it was, a shake weight? http://tfl.nu/39re
  Replies (27) Good night (1049) Bad night (5690) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?

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  (361): I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about? http://tfl.nu/lnao
  Replies (15) Good night (4299) Bad night (1186) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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  (609): my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway. http://tfl.nu/j8p7
  Replies (28) Good night (1224) Bad night (9557) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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  (850): I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized. http://tfl.nu/cbfh
  Replies (11) Good night (4867) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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  (314): My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned" http://tfl.nu/aoz0
  Replies (12) Good night (4194) Bad night (1062) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

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  (540): Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof. http://tfl.nu/2421
  Replies (20) Good night (7658) Bad night (1289) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"

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  (707): I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!" http://tfl.nu/i1ig
  Replies (16) Good night (1106) Bad night (4145) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
  Replies (76) Good night (16227) Bad night (1864)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!

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  (317): My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA! http://tfl.nu/e6nv
  Replies (28) Good night (1495) Bad night (3693) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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  (352): I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way. http://tfl.nu/qonl
  Replies (34) Good night (5942) Bad night (2107) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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  (317): Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina. (614): Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money http://tfl.nu/rx4e
  Replies (27) Good night (6681) Bad night (1298)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.

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  (207): Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father. http://tfl.nu/7nfw
  Replies (49) Good night (1416) Bad night (13609) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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  (540): Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex. http://tfl.nu/iyvz
  Replies (17) Good night (9145) Bad night (1166) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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  (530): As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before. http://tfl.nu/b7oy
  Replies (22) Good night (13984) Bad night (937) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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  (970): Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier. http://tfl.nu/o9ed
  Replies (19) Good night (9112) Bad night (1284)
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  (315): View more from New York

  idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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  (315): idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever. http://tfl.nu/p80i
  Replies (11) Good night (8525) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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  (314): i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting. http://tfl.nu/k93x
  Replies (44) Good night (3791) Bad night (4271) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill

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  (845): no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill http://tfl.nu/ddir
  Replies (4) Good night (1288) Bad night (4510) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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  (207): reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face http://tfl.nu/zdhw
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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  (301): did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right. http://tfl.nu/lg5g
  Replies (14) Good night (6472) Bad night (1013)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.

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  (613): If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough. http://tfl.nu/noke
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  (323): View more from California

  Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

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  (323): Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel." http://tfl.nu/elen
  Replies (61) Good night (4472) Bad night (758)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis

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  (404): Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis http://tfl.nu/8wlo
  Replies (8) Good night (4095) Bad night (624)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
  Replies (123) Good night (46692) Bad night (1710)
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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  (337): Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have. http://tfl.nu/wctv
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  (941): View more from Florida

  She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

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  (941): She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina??? http://tfl.nu/hnyt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.

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  (513): Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet. http://tfl.nu/slw0
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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  (334): she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/rmvr
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.

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  (724): I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that. http://tfl.nu/ze20
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.

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  (484): her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird. http://tfl.nu/16ps
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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  (513): sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces. http://tfl.nu/5w4e
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

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  (618): he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns http://tfl.nu/88xb
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  (360): View more from Washington

  It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

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  (360): It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick http://tfl.nu/navf
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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  (773): Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom. http://tfl.nu/dmbr
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  (607): View more from New York

  When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.

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  (607): When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up. http://tfl.nu/oiun
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  (310): View more from California

  dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore

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  (310): dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore http://tfl.nu/vh83
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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  (814): Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water http://tfl.nu/ivkw
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky

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  (317): we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky http://tfl.nu/igrt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?

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  (513): Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth? http://tfl.nu/ukqr
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

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  (503): There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize. http://tfl.nu/694m
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  (650): View more from California

  so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

  (1-650): View more from California

  did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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  (650): so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet. (1-650): did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one? http://tfl.nu/1hzw
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.

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  (201): It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar. http://tfl.nu/427l
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

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  (860): failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm. http://tfl.nu/gfgw
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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  (256): she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy. http://tfl.nu/z1ta
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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  (864): I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me? http://tfl.nu/6foj
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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  (912): He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it. http://tfl.nu/csjq
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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  (901): we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly. http://tfl.nu/dwqa
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  (281): View more from Texas

  well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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  (281): well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido" http://tfl.nu/7omt
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  (315): View more from New York

  Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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  (315): Hello wreck, this is your train calling. http://tfl.nu/qxsk
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.

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  (815): Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit. http://tfl.nu/yacj
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?

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  (313): How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going? http://tfl.nu/4fop
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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  (815): i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since. (1-815): you need to get laid.. and an oil change. http://tfl.nu/z8d3
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

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  (720): Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers http://tfl.nu/jgqx
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  (530): View more from California

  I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

  (1-530): View more from California

  fuck. you.

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  (530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight. (1-530): fuck. you. http://tfl.nu/1kgv
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

  (661): View more from California

  Truer words have never been spoken.

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  (260): Vodka is such a love hate relationship. (661): Truer words have never been spoken. http://tfl.nu/p042
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
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  (415): View more from California

  Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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  (415): Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only. http://tfl.nu/ffub
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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  (603): I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter. http://tfl.nu/ujkx
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

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  (502): if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it http://tfl.nu/pt50
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking

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  (301): I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking http://tfl.nu/pou2
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

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  (862): he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!" http://tfl.nu/rt63
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

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  (812): My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too. http://tfl.nu/4mju
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

  (314): View more from Missouri

  you can't hurt those

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  (314): I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over (314): you can't hurt those http://tfl.nu/gmcq
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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  (613): ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money. http://tfl.nu/in19
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.

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  (203): Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit. http://tfl.nu/kamj
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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  (804): finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets. http://tfl.nu/gp9t
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success

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  (845): Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success http://tfl.nu/8g5x
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
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  (619): View more from California

  my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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  (619): my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew. http://tfl.nu/qfs0
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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  (215): best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load" http://tfl.nu/n15m
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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  (215): I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart. http://tfl.nu/liah
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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  (970): Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well. http://tfl.nu/7lfy
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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  (402): yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic (1-402): i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities. http://tfl.nu/psst
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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  (336): You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed. http://tfl.nu/cedv
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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  (678): He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again. http://tfl.nu/ehlu
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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  (708): sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed http://tfl.nu/38z7
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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  (404): I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do. http://tfl.nu/0i65
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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  (205): I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean. http://tfl.nu/fik0
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.

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  (804): just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it. http://tfl.nu/xnwu
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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  (503): Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal http://tfl.nu/qwe2
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring

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  (765): i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring http://tfl.nu/hl5v
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

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  (304): She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/p490
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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  (419): I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said http://tfl.nu/s0mp
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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  (715): isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month http://tfl.nu/ybux
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest

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  (401): i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest http://tfl.nu/hnl6
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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  (208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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  (401): I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy. http://tfl.nu/4ar4
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  (805): View more from California

  a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

  (818): View more from California

  god is laughing at you again

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  (805): a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot (818): god is laughing at you again http://tfl.nu/4fg3
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  (310): View more from California

  Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

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  (310): Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone http://tfl.nu/koze
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

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  (517): I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again. http://tfl.nu/bm5p
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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  (240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill http://tfl.nu/6vp9
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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  (217): i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood. http://tfl.nu/a0o1
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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  (630): Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol. http://tfl.nu/s5um
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?

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  (617): it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right? http://tfl.nu/n56d
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out

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  (410): I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out http://tfl.nu/hdo3
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after

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  (613): I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after http://tfl.nu/kbgy
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...

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  (519): Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm... http://tfl.nu/v0t6
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  You going out tonight?

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

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  (337): You going out tonight? (318): No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon. http://tfl.nu/ifio
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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  (513): Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud. http://tfl.nu/fmdm
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

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  (913): Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals. http://tfl.nu/wv0a
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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  (808): white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month" http://tfl.nu/8vpl
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.

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  (662): I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/47a7
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  (315): View more from New York

  THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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  (315): THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/7uwm
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations

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  (603): I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations http://tfl.nu/80g5
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

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  (252): This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero. http://tfl.nu/82jq
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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  (850): Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please. http://tfl.nu/1q4n
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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  (303): his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy http://tfl.nu/u5b8
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  (850): View more from Florida

  some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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  (850): some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face. http://tfl.nu/tn6y
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  (707): View more from California

  he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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  (707): he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?" http://tfl.nu/pefr
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig

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  (414): I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig http://tfl.nu/ouz6
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  (518): View more from New York

  She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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  (518): She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her http://tfl.nu/ofex
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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  (612): I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday. http://tfl.nu/86uh
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.

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  (410): I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve. http://tfl.nu/3z74
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I forgot about that,good spring break.

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  (703): then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild" (773): I forgot about that,good spring break. http://tfl.nu/09xy
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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  (401): We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast. (1-401): And you thought you were going to hell last weekend. http://tfl.nu/thro
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

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  (903): Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later. http://tfl.nu/bq2x
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I love boston

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  (781): The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH (781): I love boston http://tfl.nu/jz0y
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love

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  (609): He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love http://tfl.nu/lok4
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

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  (204): Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now. http://tfl.nu/lhag
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

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  (256): I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with. http://tfl.nu/f7yk
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  (510): View more from California

  i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.

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  (510): i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter. http://tfl.nu/xztf
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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  (703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake". http://tfl.nu/w0jz
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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  (912): There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up. http://tfl.nu/juwj
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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  (815): I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse. http://tfl.nu/0lkw
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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  (480): Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis". http://tfl.nu/fly1
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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  (813): I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this? http://tfl.nu/o9lt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

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  (484): I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking. http://tfl.nu/qzjs
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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  (303): Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free. http://tfl.nu/j1zd
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.

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  (321): The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers. http://tfl.nu/lnvf
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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  (574): no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house" http://tfl.nu/wkle
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets

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  (414): I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets http://tfl.nu/vdn6
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

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  (616): this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line. http://tfl.nu/kz2e
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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  (215): I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk. http://tfl.nu/289e
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

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  (203): Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water http://tfl.nu/s84f
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  (315): View more from New York

  making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

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  (315): making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke http://tfl.nu/o15u
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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  (662): I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits" http://tfl.nu/79pd
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.

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  (407): Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast. http://tfl.nu/8b17
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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  (+31): No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam. http://tfl.nu/gz4d
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  She did the bend and snap...

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  (519): I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy. (519): She did the bend and snap... http://tfl.nu/78hn
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

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  (860): I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer http://tfl.nu/pfui
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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  (575): The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order" http://tfl.nu/htwe
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.

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  (780): there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute. http://tfl.nu/rxgr
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  (916): View more from California

  I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"

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  (916): I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences" http://tfl.nu/bi6b
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  (714): View more from California

  I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.

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  (714): I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's. http://tfl.nu/jhuh
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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  (701): She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex. http://tfl.nu/crgk
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.

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  (973): when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this. http://tfl.nu/c6uc
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  (631): View more from New York

  Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

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  (631): Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk http://tfl.nu/bu5o
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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  (810): I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future. http://tfl.nu/04uk
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  (831): View more from California

  I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.

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  (831): I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella. http://tfl.nu/sl5d
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

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  (267): she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it" http://tfl.nu/pya0
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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  (814): All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles. http://tfl.nu/duc8
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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  (402): I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song. http://tfl.nu/3qmr
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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  (770): i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises. http://tfl.nu/q0zn
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.

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  (309): i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night. http://tfl.nu/g32e
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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  (918): i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/hs1z
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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  (901): I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole http://tfl.nu/4rln
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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  (847): I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note. http://tfl.nu/4rpl
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  (904): View more from Florida

  We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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  (904): We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple http://tfl.nu/4e1c
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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  (256): so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart. http://tfl.nu/u8db
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.

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  (941): I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever. http://tfl.nu/ukm2
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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  (440): Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana. http://tfl.nu/g8b3
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  (214): View more from Texas

  decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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  (214): decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!? http://tfl.nu/ozc5
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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  (262): what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser http://tfl.nu/r42a
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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  (757): I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it. http://tfl.nu/uqxt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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  (617): She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl. http://tfl.nu/oaik
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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  (608): I just snuked. Sneezed and puked http://tfl.nu/izkl
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.

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  (571): found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/h3cm
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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  (651): he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong. http://tfl.nu/ln52
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

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  (720): she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod http://tfl.nu/2sd3
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  (714): View more from California

  Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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  (714): Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are. http://tfl.nu/u4g1
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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  (303): Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever. http://tfl.nu/ckan
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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  (610): Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this http://tfl.nu/fwmk
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  (954): View more from Florida

  i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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  (954): i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed. http://tfl.nu/a1x5
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  (661): View more from California

  I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.

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  (661): I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is. http://tfl.nu/de6o
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  (512): View more from Texas

  someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

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  (512): someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP http://tfl.nu/kebb
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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  (856): part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty. http://tfl.nu/jt5n
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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  (319): Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk. http://tfl.nu/a04b
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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  (304): You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me. http://tfl.nu/fshf
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.

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  (613): There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room. http://tfl.nu/y7ti
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.

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  (907): I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even. http://tfl.nu/24fg
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  (408): View more from California

  Maybe my heart is located in my vagina

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  (408): Maybe my heart is located in my vagina http://tfl.nu/huf2
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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  (847): You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive. http://tfl.nu/z8kz
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
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  (+52): View more from Mexico

  that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.

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  (+52): that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time. http://tfl.nu/nkav
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

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  (615): The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face. http://tfl.nu/dqag
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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  (301): let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child." http://tfl.nu/sqg2
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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  (216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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  (269): I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck. http://tfl.nu/534s
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.

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  (719): Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now. http://tfl.nu/m6w8
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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  (815): I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe. http://tfl.nu/z3x3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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  (203): walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something? http://tfl.nu/j190
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.

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  (321): I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day. http://tfl.nu/k9f2
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.

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  (678): Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans. http://tfl.nu/jpyk
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.

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  (630): the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever. http://tfl.nu/uuz9
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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  (229): He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records. http://tfl.nu/dlha
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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  (720): I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was http://tfl.nu/iq7q
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

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  (308): I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose. http://tfl.nu/x4bb
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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  (847): you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life. http://tfl.nu/71wd
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

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  (513): you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12 http://tfl.nu/a1h6
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

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  (952): I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic http://tfl.nu/w8wo
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

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  (201): I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high. http://tfl.nu/lc86
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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  (479): Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody. http://tfl.nu/gh8f
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!

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  (785): so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out! http://tfl.nu/n1rp
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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  (412): its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him. http://tfl.nu/d3m1
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?

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  (908): just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign? http://tfl.nu/nghc
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
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  (516): View more from New York

  doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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  (516): doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine http://tfl.nu/5fcf
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom

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  (206): He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom http://tfl.nu/tvji
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her

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  (206): You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her http://tfl.nu/auxf
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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  (803): I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C. http://tfl.nu/06rr
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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  (256): Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green. http://tfl.nu/6tsm
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world

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  (513): i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world http://tfl.nu/tdpx
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (210): View more from Texas

  he referred to my room as the tit cave...

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  (210): he referred to my room as the tit cave... http://tfl.nu/3oen
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

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  (205): just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed. http://tfl.nu/2764
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.

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  (770): separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles. http://tfl.nu/p09d
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?

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  (941): Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"? http://tfl.nu/trim
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.

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  (505): Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops. http://tfl.nu/78kv
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  (516): View more from New York

  i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

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  (516): i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik. http://tfl.nu/oo49
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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  (401): after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now. http://tfl.nu/y18v
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  (626): View more from California

  dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.

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  (626): dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing. http://tfl.nu/anwj
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.

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  (919): dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets. http://tfl.nu/v2g2
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just got to costco. Where are you?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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  (773): Just got to costco. Where are you? (602): Liquor aisle, bring another cart. http://tfl.nu/c1j1
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.

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  (218): i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette. http://tfl.nu/f90v
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.

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  (724): the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience. http://tfl.nu/dazo
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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  (208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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  (330): We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever. http://tfl.nu/56mg
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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  (214): Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake. http://tfl.nu/zq33
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?

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  (513): Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week? http://tfl.nu/8ecy
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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  (605): We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink. http://tfl.nu/ugbw
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.

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  (248): I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent. http://tfl.nu/jxt2
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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  (636): Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half. http://tfl.nu/fs6e
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  (214): View more from Texas

  New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables

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  (214): New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables http://tfl.nu/m9ex
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (607): View more from New York

  The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.

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  (607): The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again. http://tfl.nu/rkzi
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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  (252): I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son. http://tfl.nu/kdpy
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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  (774): It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God. http://tfl.nu/c3gg
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon

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  (785): It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon http://tfl.nu/mcj5
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

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  (617): Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh... http://tfl.nu/to9x
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

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  (902): Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left. http://tfl.nu/ytq9
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...

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  (479): even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit... http://tfl.nu/fzja
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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  (859): you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'. http://tfl.nu/aatj
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.

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  (304): There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year. http://tfl.nu/n54w
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night

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  (508): That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night http://tfl.nu/uf42
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY

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  (864): she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY http://tfl.nu/d7k6
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.

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  (502): I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart. http://tfl.nu/9vpe
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  (949): View more from California

  went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.

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  (949): went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off. http://tfl.nu/go0t
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right

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  (540): Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right http://tfl.nu/yhhf
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  drunk me is so punny.

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  (803): so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life. (843): drunk me is so punny. http://tfl.nu/qdzv
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.

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  (678): This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes. http://tfl.nu/jrvg
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"

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  (513): there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends" http://tfl.nu/u7q7
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.

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  (513): How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region? (1-513): The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well. http://tfl.nu/bwog
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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  (201): If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box? http://tfl.nu/nvmk
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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  (804): is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate http://tfl.nu/cll3
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