my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I wish you could order shots online.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
How drunk are you??
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
People with herpes should wear stickers.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked