Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
