I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
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I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
this will be a night to untag.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I take back everything I said about communal showers
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Actions speak louder than pants.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.