Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i think i have herpe
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
one two three fourrrrnication!
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.