I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
