We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dignity is for republicans.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..