I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We left an ass print on the piano.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
this will be a night to untag.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
This house was built for laser tag.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you