I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
this will be a night to untag.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
she told me i tasted like america
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".