The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.