Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Be still, my beating vagina.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We named our party play list daddy issues
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Even my vagina gasped.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I CAN MOONWALK!
I wish I only lived at night.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Is that why you're texting me
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
was it more than 30 minutes?
then you're in a relationship
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I've blown a few things in my day
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"