If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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