The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?