She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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