With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The pigeons can smell the fear