Texts From Last Night · blackasnight's Favorites

Sorry BlkGold85 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

blackasnight's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

Fav 17 6004 1234
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch

Fav 20 3328 1172
share tweet

(314): View more from Missouri

hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?

Fav 11 3787 860
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

Fav 10 3912 999
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.

Fav 16 2944 1346
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

Fav 10 3243 1104
share tweet

(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just Tebowed the shit out of her.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.

Fav 10 2489 1010
share tweet

(519): View more from Ontario

This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace

Fav 5 776 1497
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?

Fav 4 2911 923
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

Fav 1 2302 877
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.

Fav 24 4327 1445
share tweet

(515): View more from Iowa

im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.

Fav 6 2590 1126
share tweet

(631): View more from New York

Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.

Fav 10 1847 865
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.

Fav 3 3190 904
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth

Fav 10 1384 2640
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?

(714): View more from California

Whatever it is you failed

Fav 10 1258 2260
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.

Fav 14 1282 1186
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.

Fav 15 4883 1476
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.

Fav 7 2006 895
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

Fav 21 3978 1051
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

Fav 27 4963 1824
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.

Fav 10 2480 997
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

no drinking for a week

(1-512): View more from Texas

if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes

Fav 4 3027 943
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.

Fav 22 1767 4239
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.

Fav 31 3309 1191
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow

Fav 18 3453 1055
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.

Fav 12 2337 1378
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

Fav 11 4620 1222
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."

Fav 36 1068 3981
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!

(623): View more from Arizona

It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...

Fav 6 2855 1097
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop

Fav 12 2262 1090
share tweet
(587): View more from Alberta

Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.

Fav 6 2541 1037
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

Fav 11 2941 1182
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery

Fav 8 1726 883
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

Fav 31 8782 1218
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

Fav 59 5518 1114
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag

Fav 7 2933 1042
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.

Fav 5 1673 907
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Fav 3 3667 943
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.

Fav 12 3220 962
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.

Fav 8 1314 5513
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?

Fav 56 8014 1200
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

Fav 9 4445 1248
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

Fav 20 7265 1223
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.

Fav 8 3912 1295
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.

(515): View more from Iowa

That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.

Fav 5 2671 1285
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.

Fav 15 1921 4619
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.

Fav 13 5220 1223
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

Fav 18 2727 3963
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

(773): View more from Illinois

yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

(708): View more from Illinois

how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

Fav 10 5679 1133
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks

Fav 4 826 1668
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

Fav 61 17235 1497
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...

Fav 8 1138 2713
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

Fav 26 3423 1607
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?

Fav 31 3383 939
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.

Fav 21 9052 1119
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.

Fav 15 2149 907
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything

Fav 8 2625 960
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.

Fav 7 1281 1892
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?

Fav 14 3864 1798
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

Fav 5 1998 1556
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..

Fav 5 937 3319
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.

Fav 13 2741 1265
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.

Fav 3 1277 2896
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.

Fav 9 2633 1384
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

Fav 10 6405 1787
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

Fav 59 7879 1431
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all

Fav 26 5246 1250
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

What should our trivia night team be named?

(925): View more from California

Define Statutory

Fav 27 5033 1054
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

Fav 31 6009 1573
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

is drinking for groundhog day legit?

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes

Fav 21 6490 923
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.

(586): View more from Michigan

It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them

(586): View more from Michigan

Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high

Fav 9 3506 1027
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

Fav 12 3582 1272
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.

Fav 3 2263 1159
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue

Fav 18 4540 2368
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

Fav 34 12265 1843
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

Fav 18 13375 1547
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away

Fav 14 3159 1182
share tweet
(714): View more from California

It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends

Fav 5 2817 1109
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

Fav 10 4718 1258
share tweet
(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

Fav 42 15248 2561
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

Fav 19 9889 1678
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice

Fav 6 999 2332
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?

Fav 10 810 3676
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

Fav 39 7481 1809
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.

Fav 20 1697 4717
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.

Fav 20 3019 1250
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?

(718): View more from New York

Keg backpack and a Bike

Fav 4 2010 1275
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors

Fav 15 5638 2248
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

Fav 9 3049 1132
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

Fav 11 4958 1501
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.

Fav 19 6750 1431
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

Fav 6 3521 1023
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

Fav 6 3402 1220
share tweet
(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

Fav 33 6758 2563
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!

Fav 50 5612 1245
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?

Fav 12 4219 1237
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

Fav 28 6867 2112
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

Fav 5 5058 1287
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"

Fav 17 1277 5424
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.

Fav 7 3243 1072
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.

Fav 4 1145 1875
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.

Fav 4 2493 926
share tweet
(510): View more from California

He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?

Fav 34 4076 1383
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

Fav 12 4425 1314
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though

Fav 1 1902 1057
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

Fav 6 3948 1309
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants

Fav 6 4587 1190
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!

Fav 4 2635 1139
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

Fav 4 2481 1506
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I heard we made out

Fav 8 4537 1224
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

Fav 8 3550 1127
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

Fav 18 4886 1268
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

Fav 23 6118 1557
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

Fav 7 3625 1656
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

Fav 6 2584 1034
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?

Fav 9 2171 1146
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.

Fav 6 1729 1028
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.

Fav 5 1086 1863
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

Fav 19 5576 1229
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.

Fav 9 3215 1141
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

Fav 21 3010 1540
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.

Fav 5 3031 1013
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

Fav 8 2782 1206
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

Fav 10 4253 1216
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

Fav 11 5325 1891
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.

Fav 8 2508 1031
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.

Fav 6 3067 1305
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

Fav 14 12321 1866
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

Fav 3 4316 1288
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.

Fav 14 3093 1015
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

(813): View more from Florida

sounds like you understand them just fine

Fav 10 2108 1148
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

Fav 6 3409 1295
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

Fav 13 5344 1419
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.

Fav 13 2263 1415
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.

Fav 5 2890 1564
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.

Fav 7 1575 3611
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Is it working?

Fav 17 4466 1377
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.

Fav 6 2628 1651
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

Fav 36 13340 1669
share tweet
(626): View more from California

and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22

Fav 3 3477 1324
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person

Fav 25 8586 1023
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

Fav 70 14198 1983
share tweet
(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

Fav 10 6571 1881
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

didnt we say no more talking to eachother

(906): View more from Michigan

it will help you get over me i promise

(414): View more from Wisconsin

im horny

(906): View more from Michigan

ok i will unlock the door

Fav 16 2992 974
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

Fav 79 54013 2796
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

(1-936): View more from Texas

Can I eat your pillow?

Fav 7 5710 976
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

Fav 61 6684 1357
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

Fav 13 4800 1515
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a really classy character....

(478): View more from Georgia

He is classy. It was argyle.

Fav 18 6980 1041
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104258 6835
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29992 1756
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

Fav 29 10224 1389
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8567 49748
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26748 2048
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59124 5681
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

(415): View more from California

Recession joke.

Fav 10 3573 1184
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

Fav 7 3312 1754
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

Fav 14 7561 1440
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

Fav 19 6470 968
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

Fav 13 5939 1458
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

Fav 200 8449 3061
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.

Fav 27 5767 1358
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

Fav 60 17840 1913
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

Fav 4 5523 1504
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.

Fav 10 2263 3638
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

Fav 45 10964 4726
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.

Fav 6 1606 2449
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry

Fav 22 4839 1054
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?

Fav 10 1107 1811
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words

Fav 9 3871 1491
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

She is totally STD

(941): View more from Florida

Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

Fav 52 1443 4423
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.

Fav 11 4073 1183
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

Fav 21 5913 1469
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

Fav 93 11887 1517
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

Fav 37 9679 1870
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.

Fav 14 7431 2124
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.

Fav 8 4657 2180
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

Fav 39 1633 5836
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

Fav 50 9979 3502
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

Fav 47 2197 7567
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.

Fav 12 5007 1191
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

It's always exciting to touch a new boob.

Fav 12 7030 942
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.

Fav 13 4373 1311
share tweet
(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

Fav 28 3204 9696
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

Fav 35 8951 1843
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

Fav 15 5367 1811
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

Fav 25 2266 4629
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..

Fav 11 1303 3463
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

Fav 50 10333 2800
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

Fav 14 6313 1474
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

Fav 29 7268 1514
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.

Fav 21 5634 1196
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

Fav 18 1947 7174
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.

Fav 9 3490 1230
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.

Fav 8 1721 4252
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

Fav 14 7446 1658
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

Fav 39 7388 2344
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

Fav 31 5641 1762
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

Fav 46 10718 1845
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.

Fav 19 2886 6426
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.

Fav 12 3998 1589
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10255 1638
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

Fav 39 11794 2286
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

Fav 26 7062 1341
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

Fav 26 13594 1718
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

Fav 24 4688 2502
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

Fav 27 9879 1673
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

Fav 44 8808 1897
share tweet
(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

Fav 116 6959 12720
share tweet
(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

Fav 55 2592 6973
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

(917): View more from New York City

Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

Fav 11 9633 1520
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

Fav 11 6027 1284
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

Fav 29 12048 3001
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

Fav 6 2675 3631
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

Fav 6 1133 1323
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

Fav 51 20491 1230
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?

(318): View more from Louisiana

Alcohol?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Sex with a fat chick.

Fav 16 1192 1893
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.

Fav 19 2219 1076
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

Fav 15 6299 1798
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.

Fav 9 1715 4674
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

Fav 21 5837 2478
share tweet
(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

Fav 16 7359 1383
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

Fav 52 12840 2085
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48826 2424
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

Fav 25 1584 7083
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot

Fav 11 7209 1343
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

Fav 25 2156 6475
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

Fav 14 7170 1671
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.

Fav 47 9181 2543
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

Fav 22 7710 1695
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

Fav 63 7111 2491
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

Fav 19 8944 1292
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

Fav 31 5917 1420
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters

(973): View more from New Jersey

i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet

Fav 11 2692 1189
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking

Fav 39 7913 1452
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

Fav 11 6584 1908
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

Fav 13 6075 1475
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

Fav 26 5523 2091
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17097 1839
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

Fav 30 14200 1648
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

Fav 17 10144 1738
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

Fav 7 8088 1249
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

Fav 19 4817 2331
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1917
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

Fav 31 7299 1730
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

Fav 17 8705 1541
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.

Fav 15 6761 1258
share tweet
(916): View more from California

17 year olds will be the death of me.

Fav 36 4062 3112
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35244 2059
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13128 1909
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

Fav 89 10420 2116
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

Fav 21 2616 4576
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

Fav 19 2111 5675
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

Fav 39 7242 1404
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.

Fav 62 7888 1940
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

Fav 15 6289 1793
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

Fav 13 1415 3970
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me

Fav 10 3340 1293
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila

Fav 20 1254 6075
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

Fav 36 2945 5636
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

The beer is more important than you right now.

Fav 8 3885 1682
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

Fav 21 8766 1302
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

Fav 12 6850 1288
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

Fav 25 7102 2100
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

Fav 41 3308 5123
share tweet
(916): View more from California

This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here

Fav 16 5185 1436
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

Fav 13 8244 1409
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.

Fav 23 2057 5131
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

Fav 19 7597 1914
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.

Fav 40 4739 1502
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

Fav 31 1436 4302
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye

(319): View more from Iowa

Wasn't she moving abroad?

(419): View more from Ohio

Are you really going to debate this?

Fav 85 1912 5868
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin

Fav 11 6174 1398
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

Fav 30 7872 1631
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar

Fav 21 6525 1088
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood

Fav 19 6771 1261
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

Fav 79 2500 11512
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

Fav 118 46244 4284
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82806 5243
share tweet
(831): View more from California

No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

Fav 37 1912 8271
share tweet