looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
it glows. i had to have it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.