yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
