Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
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We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
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it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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