Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
