"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
30+ People Share Their Worst ‘Intimate Experience’ And They’re Traumatizing
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.