Texts From Last Night

suntych's Favorites Texts:

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  (559): View more from California

  Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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  (559): Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10 http://tfl.nu/1xln
  Replies (13) Good night (6839) Bad night (807) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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  (412): we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later http://tfl.nu/u7bo
  Replies (24) Good night (6062) Bad night (673)
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  (310): View more from California

  Even water is tasting like jack daniels

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  (310): Even water is tasting like jack daniels http://tfl.nu/2l5a
  Replies (15) Good night (4799) Bad night (1169) Order T-Shirt
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  (325): View more from Texas

  When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous

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  (325): When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous http://tfl.nu/im9q
  Replies (26) Good night (756) Bad night (4352)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.

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  (832): Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college. http://tfl.nu/9ey3
  Replies (9) Good night (3949) Bad night (804) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl

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  (313): I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl http://tfl.nu/zim9
  Replies (2) Good night (588) Bad night (1086) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.

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  (510): The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker. http://tfl.nu/49dy
  Replies (25) Good night (4149) Bad night (596) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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  (269): So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow (1-269): Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10 http://tfl.nu/n472
  Replies (63) Good night (14891) Bad night (737)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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  (813): I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type. (1-813): Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type. http://tfl.nu/055q
  Replies (90) Good night (7861) Bad night (1540) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?

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  (412): Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container? http://tfl.nu/it9b
  Replies (33) Good night (5646) Bad night (1030) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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  (518): She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her http://tfl.nu/ofex
  Replies (65) Good night (13602) Bad night (2562) Order T-Shirt
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.

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  (225): she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her. http://tfl.nu/dxlc
  Replies (12) Good night (3622) Bad night (862) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up

  (1-585): View more from New York

  Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit

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  (585): Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up (1-585): Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit http://tfl.nu/gck7
  Replies (6) Good night (2313) Bad night (921)
• Favorite

  (980): View more from North Carolina

  Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

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  (980): Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened" http://tfl.nu/41rs
  Replies (12) Good night (3082) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.

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  (540): i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective. http://tfl.nu/c9ng
  Replies (3) Good night (3719) Bad night (707)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

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  (720): I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower. http://tfl.nu/yzkb
  Replies (44) Good night (11981) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  fucking a dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  i mean: fucking a, dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  wow, that comma made all the difference there

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  (703): fucking a dude (703): i mean: fucking a, dude (703): wow, that comma made all the difference there http://tfl.nu/2m4f
  Replies (93) Good night (11075) Bad night (876)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Someone just got laid.

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  (480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness? (774): Someone just got laid. http://tfl.nu/ub8q
  Replies (17) Good night (9066) Bad night (1056)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

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  (303): Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;) http://tfl.nu/s5za
  Replies (14) Good night (2312) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  toast her oven

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  toast her strudel

  (248): View more from Michigan

  inspect her gadget

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  (248): toast her oven (1-248): toast her strudel (248): inspect her gadget http://tfl.nu/ri0n
  Replies (7) Good night (2295) Bad night (503)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  thats actually pretty good logic

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  (724): I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars" (412): thats actually pretty good logic http://tfl.nu/znkn
  Replies (13) Good night (5996) Bad night (968)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.

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  (717): WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night. http://tfl.nu/710a
  Replies (20) Good night (1023) Bad night (1461) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.

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  (407): I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through. http://tfl.nu/kavy
  Replies (25) Good night (5692) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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  (519): we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/bwa3
  Replies (9) Good night (3974) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

  (1-716): View more from New York

  How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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  (716): holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today ! (1-716): How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...' http://tfl.nu/v4tn
  Replies (48) Good night (9296) Bad night (799)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.

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  (410): YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me. http://tfl.nu/lzgg
  Replies (4) Good night (1877) Bad night (704) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

  (1-925): View more from California

  what are you doing with your life

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  (925): 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down (1-925): what are you doing with your life http://tfl.nu/25tc
  Replies (19) Good night (4888) Bad night (1134) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  You could give me a blowjob later? :)

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I meant do something romantic..

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Blowjob In the moonlight?

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  (321): You could give me a blowjob later? :) (1-321): I meant do something romantic.. (321): Blowjob In the moonlight? http://tfl.nu/na1u
  Replies (13) Good night (6056) Bad night (1276)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.

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  (317): The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea. http://tfl.nu/8y4f
  Replies (10) Good night (2183) Bad night (934) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
  Replies (34) Good night (25188) Bad night (1605)
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  (607): View more from New York

  I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.

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  (607): I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them. http://tfl.nu/ng5q
  Replies (9) Good night (2795) Bad night (654) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later

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  (336): maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later http://tfl.nu/sccq
  Replies (18) Good night (684) Bad night (3357) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.

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  (206): Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry. http://tfl.nu/kkw8
  Replies (7) Good night (3702) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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  (813): So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3 http://tfl.nu/7or4
  Replies (4) Good night (4405) Bad night (966) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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  (513): I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors http://tfl.nu/2p2o
  Replies (25) Good night (2548) Bad night (591) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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  (937): [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight] http://tfl.nu/2cq7
  Replies (29) Good night (11291) Bad night (2364) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they

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  (208): its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they http://tfl.nu/pnta
  Replies (44) Good night (631) Bad night (4135) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it

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  (423): gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it http://tfl.nu/v9kx
  Replies (9) Good night (4020) Bad night (906) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother

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  (404): we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother http://tfl.nu/qg9n
  Replies (14) Good night (4904) Bad night (866) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

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  (516): Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me? http://tfl.nu/2ksh
  Replies (63) Good night (6250) Bad night (1373) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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  (412): Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life http://tfl.nu/5boh
  Replies (6) Good night (2736) Bad night (1307) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  wtf?

  (904): View more from Florida

  It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'

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  (904): Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum' (1-904): wtf? (904): It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend' http://tfl.nu/kgyk
  Replies (14) Good night (4267) Bad night (739)
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...

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  (712): She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow... http://tfl.nu/48nf
  Replies (5) Good night (654) Bad night (1025) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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  (408): I miss the smell of you or some shit. http://tfl.nu/h6lu
  Replies (23) Good night (2789) Bad night (1033) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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  (303): Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking. http://tfl.nu/3qfc
  Replies (22) Good night (7176) Bad night (1131) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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  (910): the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door. http://tfl.nu/3iyk
  Replies (9) Good night (6418) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.

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  (504): I think horse shit smells the best of all shits. http://tfl.nu/6fku
  Replies (35) Good night (916) Bad night (2734) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

  (757): View more from Virginia

  So when are we having a sleepover?

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  (804): So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss (757): So when are we having a sleepover? http://tfl.nu/90ed
  Replies (24) Good night (6231) Bad night (539)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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  (801): please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist. http://tfl.nu/t4io
  Replies (26) Good night (8857) Bad night (1035) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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  (860): As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. http://tfl.nu/lted
  Replies (104) Good night (8357) Bad night (1080) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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  (401): she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride. http://tfl.nu/b4k2
  Replies (79) Good night (2017) Bad night (10848) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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  (317): sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president" http://tfl.nu/8jue
  Replies (21) Good night (6605) Bad night (1354) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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  (775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn
  Replies (196) Good night (1833) Bad night (16483)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?

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  (586): Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white? http://tfl.nu/dlzj
  Replies (28) Good night (2657) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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  (216): he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone http://tfl.nu/anp6
  Replies (5) Good night (4044) Bad night (976) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.

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  (917): I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/srjh
  Replies (8) Good night (2877) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

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  (619): I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe. http://tfl.nu/jto0
  Replies (24) Good night (4163) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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  (703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches... http://tfl.nu/6ywp
  Replies (47) Good night (8046) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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  (850): I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized. http://tfl.nu/cbfh
  Replies (11) Good night (4856) Bad night (748) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

  (314): View more from Missouri

  you can't hurt those

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  (314): I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over (314): you can't hurt those http://tfl.nu/gmcq
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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  (250): If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour. http://tfl.nu/xxvi
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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  (785): Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites http://tfl.nu/fquq
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.

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  (614): You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat. http://tfl.nu/8yi0
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  How are you feeling today?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  i could've thrown up on command at any point today...

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  (907): How are you feeling today? (330): i could've thrown up on command at any point today... http://tfl.nu/ewp1
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  (323): View more from California

  forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell

  (310): View more from California

  my version of bright and sunny.

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  (323): forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell (310): my version of bright and sunny. http://tfl.nu/6mbu
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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  (412): For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early http://tfl.nu/4ftf
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

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  (520): In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties. http://tfl.nu/3p0b
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  (916): View more from California

  put your butt on the phone this is a booty call

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  (916): put your butt on the phone this is a booty call http://tfl.nu/3vuo
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  You love me.

  (785): View more from Kansas

  That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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  (316): You love me. (785): That's because, tragically, I adore whores. http://tfl.nu/7eph
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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  (412): its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers http://tfl.nu/1asq
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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  (719): Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby". http://tfl.nu/v0w5
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  (714): View more from California

  Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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  (714): Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner. http://tfl.nu/auiz
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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  (508): They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever." http://tfl.nu/4fcm
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Redeem this text for a blowjob

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  (507): Redeem this text for a blowjob http://tfl.nu/3lns
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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  (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so horny!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so hungry

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  For your pussy...

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  (508): I'm so horny! (781): I'm so hungry (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY! (781): For your pussy... http://tfl.nu/7j50
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

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  (314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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  (219): Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night. http://tfl.nu/jfm9
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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  (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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  (405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything. http://tfl.nu/pmpx
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  (619): View more from California

  Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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  (619): Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes. http://tfl.nu/4wgk
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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  (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj
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  (845): View more from New York

  Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

  (1-845): View more from New York

  then get some ugly ones...

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  (845): Stop trying to talk to my friends!! (1-845): then get some ugly ones... http://tfl.nu/5xvc
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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  (702): explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now. http://tfl.nu/gc18
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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  (954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza http://tfl.nu/fivz
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  there were more penises there than on chat roulette

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  (571): there were more penises there than on chat roulette http://tfl.nu/5x41
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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  (770): Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex (404): Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut (770): Fuck. Wron person. But yea http://tfl.nu/bsak
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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  (662): They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say. http://tfl.nu/fs2e
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk

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  (423): I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk http://tfl.nu/ntyc
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  (972): View more from Texas

  the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool

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  (972): the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool http://tfl.nu/pe2b
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (817): View more from Texas

  He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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  (817): He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house http://tfl.nu/yyye
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (516): View more from New York

  I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss

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  (516): I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss http://tfl.nu/w0b9
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  (818): View more from California

  you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

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  (818): you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me http://tfl.nu/nn6b
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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  (919): Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room. http://tfl.nu/3ukp
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  (562): View more from California

  Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics

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  (562): Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics http://tfl.nu/ne8m
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.

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  (847): She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing. http://tfl.nu/qwo3
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  (954): View more from Florida

  What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

  (904): View more from Florida

  Both

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  (954): What are you talking about? And how drunk are you? (904): Both http://tfl.nu/7q6w
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

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  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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  (228): you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out. http://tfl.nu/9xp5
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

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  (515): Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!! (1-515): Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states. http://tfl.nu/ptk3
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.

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  (917): I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home. http://tfl.nu/cetg
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg

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  (630): I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg http://tfl.nu/sw6a
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.

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  (719): Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear. http://tfl.nu/pswl
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  (409): View more from Texas

  white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

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  (409): white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character http://tfl.nu/8uci
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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  (931): drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/1e3m
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.

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  (231): I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk. http://tfl.nu/qjr2
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  (845): View more from New York

  3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

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  (845): 3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year. http://tfl.nu/9uak
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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  (973): Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride http://tfl.nu/vufa
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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  (816): I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since. http://tfl.nu/s9zv
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  (415): View more from California

  sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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  (415): sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you. http://tfl.nu/c5wc
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year

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  (704): 2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year http://tfl.nu/2ypx
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.

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  (941): Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row. http://tfl.nu/asli
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  (904): View more from Florida

  the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

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  (904): the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar. http://tfl.nu/n52w
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  (469): View more from Texas

  i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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  (469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine... http://tfl.nu/msgo
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

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  (407): i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point http://tfl.nu/9yf5
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  What did I say?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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  (636): You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why. (847): What did I say? (636): Don't ask me questions while I have an erection, http://tfl.nu/e9w1
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.

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  (704): I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers. http://tfl.nu/zryg
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  (936): View more from Texas

  im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...

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  (936): im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses... http://tfl.nu/w5rv
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  (518): View more from New York

  everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.

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  (518): everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem. http://tfl.nu/bvtl
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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  (504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. http://tfl.nu/adpf
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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  (270): It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night http://tfl.nu/y9wt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

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  (412): I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this." http://tfl.nu/x2qj
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??

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  (847): hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score?? http://tfl.nu/pp8r
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better

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  (479): I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better http://tfl.nu/bldt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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  (859): you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'. http://tfl.nu/aatj
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.

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  (334): They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer. http://tfl.nu/2vpk
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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  (317): Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good. http://tfl.nu/6afw
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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  (904): Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is. http://tfl.nu/v4zj
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  (925): View more from California

  Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

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  (925): Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard http://tfl.nu/2caa
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  (360): View more from Washington

  No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..

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  (360): No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down.. http://tfl.nu/yoii
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  i dedicated my morning wood to you.

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  (708): i dedicated my morning wood to you. http://tfl.nu/nbc4
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding

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  (203): recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding http://tfl.nu/t8fl
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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  (336): Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll http://tfl.nu/6m63
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.

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  (215): distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard. http://tfl.nu/840x
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.

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  (908): there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo. http://tfl.nu/6eag
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  (925): View more from California

  2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.

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  (925): 2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing. http://tfl.nu/jq9y
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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  (814): he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth.. http://tfl.nu/cpmo
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.

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  (240): I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll. http://tfl.nu/r0xh
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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  (647): Get out of your relationship and into my pants. http://tfl.nu/sn5l
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  (352): View more from Florida

  You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

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  (352): You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem. http://tfl.nu/rwe9
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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  (580): You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose. http://tfl.nu/41p8
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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  (570): You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter. http://tfl.nu/i6dh
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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  (519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Why does tequilla always make you text me?

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  (301): You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate. (240): Why does tequilla always make you text me? http://tfl.nu/qeax
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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  (205): I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean. http://tfl.nu/fik0
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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  (509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI

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  (480): You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI http://tfl.nu/lcvv
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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  (931): Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex. http://tfl.nu/p49h
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  (949): View more from California

  you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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  (949): you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one http://tfl.nu/7gmu
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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  (847): i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy http://tfl.nu/8awt
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  (415): View more from California

  And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

  (1-415): View more from California

  What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

  (415): View more from California

  He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

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  (415): And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!" (1-415): What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy. (415): He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie." http://tfl.nu/chbe
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

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  (502): He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up. http://tfl.nu/onjv
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  (516): View more from New York

  doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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  (516): doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine http://tfl.nu/5fcf
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog

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  (732): Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog http://tfl.nu/ui9n
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  (530): View more from California

  You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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  (530): You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger. http://tfl.nu/azyx
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.

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  (505): They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties. http://tfl.nu/hv8c
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  (210): View more from Texas

  If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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  (210): If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever. http://tfl.nu/5js7
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come

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  (313): im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come http://tfl.nu/9b59
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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  (704): she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out" http://tfl.nu/fktd
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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  (402): On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms. http://tfl.nu/59ye
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.

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  (206): He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking. http://tfl.nu/jryu
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

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  (704): I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it. http://tfl.nu/goy6
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  None

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  (515): I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards (1-515): None http://tfl.nu/5j7f
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  (914): View more from New York

  She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.

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  (914): She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet. http://tfl.nu/d6lo
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.

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  (412): I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket. http://tfl.nu/hou4
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  (858): View more from California

  I'll start drinking again when I know where I am

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  (858): I'll start drinking again when I know where I am http://tfl.nu/a7gj
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.

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  (612): we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour. http://tfl.nu/nwj9
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

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  (570): If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid. http://tfl.nu/ujtp
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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  (305): I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang". http://tfl.nu/9dw0
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm in his phone as sushi coochie

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  (610): i'm in his phone as sushi coochie http://tfl.nu/9tzp
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.

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  (617): I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot. http://tfl.nu/tunm
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  (818): View more from California

  she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick

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  (818): she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick http://tfl.nu/e1f8
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  (315): View more from New York

  My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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  (315): My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?' http://tfl.nu/x9n6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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  (303): dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered. http://tfl.nu/j70b
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.

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  (443): I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand. http://tfl.nu/0bxb
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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  (417): When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion. http://tfl.nu/easp
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Someone's got a whale tail

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  A thong is hangin out?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  No, a fatty following them

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  (314): Someone's got a whale tail (1-314): A thong is hangin out? (314): No, a fatty following them http://tfl.nu/cyed
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

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  (480): Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night. http://tfl.nu/uc8g
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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  (205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers (1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness.... http://tfl.nu/wnn7
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

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  (330): Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome. http://tfl.nu/sdp2
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.

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  (617): it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before. http://tfl.nu/1u0r
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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  (256): we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it. http://tfl.nu/bdg5
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve

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  (937): We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve http://tfl.nu/ierf
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.

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  (215): Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town. http://tfl.nu/ozti
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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  (706): If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore http://tfl.nu/b6gx
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  (806): View more from Texas

  and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...

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  (806): and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"... http://tfl.nu/oz9l
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

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  (908): her vagina looked like a handful of raisins. http://tfl.nu/5whx
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.

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  (312): Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita. http://tfl.nu/kc15
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  (716): View more from New York

  He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid

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  (716): He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid http://tfl.nu/btyl
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.

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  (301): Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd. http://tfl.nu/3wwu
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

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  (724): You kept referring to your penis as "this guy." http://tfl.nu/osjv
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  (518): View more from New York

  Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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  (518): Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant http://tfl.nu/517l
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  dude how high are you right now?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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  (256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

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  (304): You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib. http://tfl.nu/xjlf
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.

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  (508): Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend. http://tfl.nu/c0jn
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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  (484): I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem http://tfl.nu/p4jh
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  ...is it true? will i see you next weekend

  (248): View more from Michigan

  YES.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us

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  (614): ...is it true? will i see you next weekend (248): YES. (614): ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us http://tfl.nu/m1xt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Woah.

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  that's not how you spell hell yes.

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  (918): you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you? (1-918): Woah. (918): that's not how you spell hell yes. http://tfl.nu/i519
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.

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  (318): Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House. http://tfl.nu/ei4e
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  (904): View more from Florida

  at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot

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  (904): at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot http://tfl.nu/zopv
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  (979): View more from Texas

  What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.

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  (979): What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls. http://tfl.nu/5u5z
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Ya

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I used to kick so much ass

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  (586): Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part? (313): Ya (586): I used to kick so much ass http://tfl.nu/d78f
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  come over

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  (402): hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face. (1-402): come over http://tfl.nu/v8ye
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.

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  (757): I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving. http://tfl.nu/twkc
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

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  (352): Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover. http://tfl.nu/82ke
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

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  (480): I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot http://tfl.nu/rl8p
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  (585): View more from New York

  Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

  (518): View more from New York

  It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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  (585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof? (518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly http://tfl.nu/nk88
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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  (651): i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups http://tfl.nu/8ph5
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

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  (757): I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you? http://tfl.nu/hgrf
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

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  (978): You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy. http://tfl.nu/bldo
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck

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  (260): My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck http://tfl.nu/clun
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Just cropdusted the office

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  (443): Just cropdusted the office http://tfl.nu/i6zb
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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  (201): If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box? http://tfl.nu/nvmk
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.

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  (616): I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon. http://tfl.nu/lqe8
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...

  (775): View more from Nevada

  yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.

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  (702): It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me... (775): yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift. http://tfl.nu/mwdt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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  (469): you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator http://tfl.nu/bsby
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B

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  (508): ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester (1-508): Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B http://tfl.nu/rngn
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.

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  (832): My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster. http://tfl.nu/nbxn
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  (561): View more from Florida

  i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.

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  (561): i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching. http://tfl.nu/cq5g
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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  (613): She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard". (202): Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded. http://tfl.nu/4upv
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one

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  (412): u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one http://tfl.nu/rgs7
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.

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  (314): Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day. http://tfl.nu/blek
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  (469): View more from Texas

  It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.

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  (469): It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays. http://tfl.nu/21z4
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life

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  (302): Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life http://tfl.nu/pzmw
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?

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  (651): how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting? http://tfl.nu/ew93
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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  (313): The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her. http://tfl.nu/8p27
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

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  (240): you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters http://tfl.nu/0u7p
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.

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  (440): Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues. http://tfl.nu/5zyy
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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  (416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home http://tfl.nu/32l0
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment

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  (201): nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment http://tfl.nu/9t1d
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.

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  (575): She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary. http://tfl.nu/4ghz
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.

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  (561): Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons. http://tfl.nu/mi7s
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