Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Redeem this text for a blowjob
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just cropdusted the office
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.