I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
His hands were made for my vagina.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
she peed on how many people?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I told you penises don't tan
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.