Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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