And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
