went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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