I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
would you consider him our boss?
then technically i slept with our boss
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Life is so much better after having sex.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I will die if light touches me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
This is not my ceiling
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i permit you to call me
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
well you can't waste a boner
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween