i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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