ashbuhbee's Favorites Texts:

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  (315): View more from New York

  Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.

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  (315): Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised. http://tfl.nu/8j6k
  Replies (3) Good night (626) Bad night (224) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  Wow, he seems so solid

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  (253): So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter (1-253): Wow, he seems so solid http://tfl.nu/880c
  Replies (7) Good night (1312) Bad night (212)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

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  (304): Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd. http://tfl.nu/1o4y
  Replies (18) Good night (2420) Bad night (291)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?

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  (516): How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted? http://tfl.nu/oqcu
  Replies (9) Good night (469) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?

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  (412): Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest? http://tfl.nu/7pdc
  Replies (7) Good night (785) Bad night (241) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate

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  (302): Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate http://tfl.nu/9c8c
  Replies (2) Good night (723) Bad night (228) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.

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  (206): Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night. (1-206): That is the scariest sentence I have ever read. http://tfl.nu/zqtn
  Replies (6) Good night (1488) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.

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  (620): Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day. http://tfl.nu/8ts7
  Replies (6) Good night (298) Bad night (958) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.

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  (940): P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message. http://tfl.nu/r5mr
  Replies (4) Good night (560) Bad night (249) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"

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  (716): I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!" http://tfl.nu/0j2g
  Replies (14) Good night (1348) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.

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  (225): I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with. http://tfl.nu/2qkg
  Replies (4) Good night (693) Bad night (253)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.

  (815): View more from Illinois

  This is why you're my favorite.

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  (773): if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass. (815): This is why you're my favorite. http://tfl.nu/6wk2
  Replies (3) Good night (1341) Bad night (281)
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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  (620): Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams. http://tfl.nu/9m3g
  Replies (7) Good night (1275) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.

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  (318): I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna. http://tfl.nu/hik5
  Replies (4) Good night (1167) Bad night (210) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.

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  (630): I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver. http://tfl.nu/scdz
  Replies (5) Good night (784) Bad night (338) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

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  (607): you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland." http://tfl.nu/m13s
  Replies (7) Good night (1398) Bad night (315) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.

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  (785): I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend. http://tfl.nu/8tu9
  Replies (3) Good night (710) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.

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  (434): They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me. http://tfl.nu/rhi7
  Replies (3) Good night (1764) Bad night (215) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you

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  (914): It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you http://tfl.nu/ff5c
  Replies (8) Good night (1285) Bad night (224) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  He better not be in your backpack

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  (707): He better not be in your backpack http://tfl.nu/rf3m
  Replies (6) Good night (688) Bad night (266) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.

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  (360): I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job. http://tfl.nu/8nby
  Replies (2) Good night (658) Bad night (226) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.

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  (812): Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome. http://tfl.nu/9uj2
  Replies (9) Good night (1393) Bad night (429)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.

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  (719): I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in. http://tfl.nu/k5k2
  Replies (11) Good night (2147) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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  (970): I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows. http://tfl.nu/dlw8
  Replies (5) Good night (2227) Bad night (319)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in

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  (724): Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in http://tfl.nu/7o0k
  Replies (11) Good night (534) Bad night (1213)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

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  (281): Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success. http://tfl.nu/agha
  Replies (1) Good night (1653) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission

  (925): View more from California

  Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol

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  (925): I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission (925): Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol http://tfl.nu/zmin
  Replies (8) Good night (1670) Bad night (303)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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  (201): All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched http://tfl.nu/r5ws
  Replies (11) Good night (2549) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..

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  (501): I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half.. http://tfl.nu/kmcb
  Replies (2) Good night (608) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?

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  (210): I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you? http://tfl.nu/lbmm
  Replies (5) Good night (1121) Bad night (222) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"

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  (917): she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall" http://tfl.nu/c8ce
  Replies (2) Good night (1406) Bad night (272) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

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  (914): I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish" http://tfl.nu/lggm
  Replies (15) Good night (3801) Bad night (279)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

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  (860): Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween http://tfl.nu/izhm
  Replies (4) Good night (1983) Bad night (284) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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  (864): Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that. http://tfl.nu/ou7s
  Replies (6) Good night (1874) Bad night (290)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

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  (+61): I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles http://tfl.nu/20ya
  Replies (3) Good night (1409) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  who dressed up as a cop at your party???

  (1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

  idk I have to check. Why?

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.

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  (724): who dressed up as a cop at your party??? (1-724): idk I have to check. Why? (724): he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM. http://tfl.nu/wn9a
  Replies (5) Good night (2322) Bad night (221)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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  (904): My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy. http://tfl.nu/l9z4
  Replies (19) Good night (3091) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

  (209): View more from California

  Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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  (209): I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now. (209): Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4. http://tfl.nu/hx3p
  Replies (9) Good night (1860) Bad night (581)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.

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  (917): Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am. http://tfl.nu/94x6
  Replies (2) Good night (1200) Bad night (403)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.

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  (864): her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality. http://tfl.nu/j8og
  Replies (11) Good night (1496) Bad night (825) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

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  (570): It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?! http://tfl.nu/21am
  Replies (11) Good night (2205) Bad night (272) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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  (617): Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane. http://tfl.nu/ph9r
  Replies (11) Good night (3422) Bad night (345) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character

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  (920): He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character http://tfl.nu/qsh8
  Replies (4) Good night (1403) Bad night (283) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"

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  (608): I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!" http://tfl.nu/mxo7
  Replies (9) Good night (1017) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.

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  (570): I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out. http://tfl.nu/9vp6
  Replies (7) Good night (1826) Bad night (284) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.

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  (832): Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL. http://tfl.nu/25yr
  Replies (3) Good night (1572) Bad night (329) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.

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  (918): Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE. http://tfl.nu/pg7d
  Replies (7) Good night (975) Bad night (208) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year

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  (702): Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year http://tfl.nu/tm45
  Replies (10) Good night (1315) Bad night (288)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.

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  (505): There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy. http://tfl.nu/c3w4
  Replies (6) Good night (1729) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out

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  (412): Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out http://tfl.nu/mlh0
  Replies (6) Good night (351) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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  (612): He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket. (1-651): It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm. http://tfl.nu/ei3h
  Replies (8) Good night (2183) Bad night (242)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.

  (1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Not the worst first impression I've experienced.

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  (724): Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face. (1-724): Not the worst first impression I've experienced. http://tfl.nu/reln
  Replies (3) Good night (580) Bad night (227)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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  (720): We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins. http://tfl.nu/ctwf
  Replies (6) Good night (1509) Bad night (291) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god

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  (314): Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god http://tfl.nu/tl6y
  Replies (12) Good night (980) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care

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  (817): I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care http://tfl.nu/4w1d
  Replies (4) Good night (1745) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.

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  (631): Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner. http://tfl.nu/12fk
  Replies (6) Good night (1302) Bad night (266) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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  (937): I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/hc91
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.

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  (503): Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here. http://tfl.nu/gxsg
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.

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  (703): After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was. http://tfl.nu/omxm
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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  (937): I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it. http://tfl.nu/wtlk
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."

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  (630): Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick." http://tfl.nu/sgnz
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  (904): View more from Florida

  You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.

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  (904): You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish. http://tfl.nu/q7o6
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.

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  (574): I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed. http://tfl.nu/w2ei
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots

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  (519): I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots http://tfl.nu/46f2
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I have a surprise for you guys

  (937): View more from Ohio

  What is it?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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  (740): I have a surprise for you guys (937): What is it? (740): A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS http://tfl.nu/bt31
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.

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  (412): I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine. (412): Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out. http://tfl.nu/kfiz
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment

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  (781): Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment http://tfl.nu/se99
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT

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  (503): THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT http://tfl.nu/3zvj
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.

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  (613): Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again. http://tfl.nu/4a7s
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"

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  (410): You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails (1-410): I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling" (1-410): The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself" http://tfl.nu/79pq
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk

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  (908): if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk http://tfl.nu/13sw
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  (813): View more from Florida

  IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA

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  (813): IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA http://tfl.nu/d0dd
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  (914): View more from New York

  true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"

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  (914): true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS" http://tfl.nu/3w8r
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  (512): View more from Texas

  We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.

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  (512): We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents. http://tfl.nu/1dqy
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...

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  (731): Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels... http://tfl.nu/6gyu
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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  (937): Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work. http://tfl.nu/wxxj
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull

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  (651): Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull http://tfl.nu/fvhw
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.

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  (202): That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off. http://tfl.nu/x6zl
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Do I really need this much space in my mouth?

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Are you already high?

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  (262): Do I really need this much space in my mouth? (414): Are you already high? http://tfl.nu/waj8
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.

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  (218): You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk. http://tfl.nu/cpk7
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I rest my case.

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  (720): ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO. (1-720): Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving. (720): I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW. (720): I rest my case. http://tfl.nu/ktzi
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  BoomCity!!!

  (1-937): View more from Ohio

  You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

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  (937): BoomCity!!! (1-937): You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong. http://tfl.nu/5msc
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Post that event on your timeline

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  (812): Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina (513): Post that event on your timeline http://tfl.nu/4t95
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

  (1-504): View more from Louisiana

  omg mom no

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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  (504): How many stacks you been grindin gangsta? (1-504): omg mom no (504): It's so blood brotha crip what be good http://tfl.nu/20m9
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.

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  (563): The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka. http://tfl.nu/9mlx
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours

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  (337): Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours http://tfl.nu/650i
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

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  (954): Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!" http://tfl.nu/vh6t
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM

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  (610): I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM http://tfl.nu/hx9z
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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  (413): Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker" (1-413): I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family http://tfl.nu/b85j
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  (631): View more from New York

  Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"

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  (631): Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet" http://tfl.nu/2suf
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.

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  (941): Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants. http://tfl.nu/rame
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  (845): View more from New York

  Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.

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  (845): Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored. http://tfl.nu/hxpc
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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  (540): I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey? http://tfl.nu/z446
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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  (801): I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole. http://tfl.nu/xl47
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.

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  (609): Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend. http://tfl.nu/bphq
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  (818): View more from California

  the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes

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  (818): the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes http://tfl.nu/djiq
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts

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  (+61): As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts http://tfl.nu/kck3
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  (534): View more from Wisconsin

  He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime

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  (534): He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime http://tfl.nu/bhm3
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  (714): View more from California

  Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.

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  (714): Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to. http://tfl.nu/rk2y
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her

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  (319): Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her http://tfl.nu/ievl
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  (415): View more from California

  I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT

  (707): View more from California

  I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.

  (415): View more from California

  I effort

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  (415): I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT (707): I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT. (415): I effort http://tfl.nu/ft8e
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  (951): View more from California

  Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.

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  (951): Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night. http://tfl.nu/gbx1
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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  (859): Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed" http://tfl.nu/i5mp
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

  (1-989): View more from Michigan

  I'll uninvite my mom

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  (989): He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis. (1-989): I'll uninvite my mom http://tfl.nu/cezv
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.

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  (207): Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me. http://tfl.nu/5y8e
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.

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  (860): Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both. http://tfl.nu/abj8
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?

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  (610): alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair? http://tfl.nu/af29
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult

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  (941): Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult http://tfl.nu/exna
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  (469): View more from Texas

  HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.

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  (469): HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK. http://tfl.nu/uhfo
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  (209): View more from California

  Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)

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  (209): Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar) http://tfl.nu/xy0l
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...

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  (563): As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me... http://tfl.nu/pbqy
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  (619): View more from California

  No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist

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  (619): No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist http://tfl.nu/96uk
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?

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  (706): It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from? http://tfl.nu/d0ez
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.

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  (713): Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you. http://tfl.nu/5z0x
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.

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  (817): Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud. http://tfl.nu/pgi9
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns

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  (614): he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns http://tfl.nu/45lv
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  (510): View more from California

  Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...

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  (510): Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment... http://tfl.nu/cuqz
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  (315): View more from New York

  We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

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  (315): We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked. http://tfl.nu/mwis
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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  (814): My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed. http://tfl.nu/4uwe
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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  (402): Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted http://tfl.nu/8l0y
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  (315): View more from New York

  drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.

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  (315): drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached. http://tfl.nu/t45s
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants

  (812): View more from Indiana

  That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.

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  (317): You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants (812): That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub. http://tfl.nu/6wmx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You made out with two different species that night

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  (508): You made out with two different species that night http://tfl.nu/gvcb
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

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  (337): Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE. http://tfl.nu/9lhc
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

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  (334): We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!" http://tfl.nu/8nad
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat

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  (214): Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat http://tfl.nu/vn00
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  (310): View more from California

  I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.

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  (310): I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't. http://tfl.nu/uo1x
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

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  (601): The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know. (615): My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens. http://tfl.nu/91vw
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  (360): View more from Washington

  You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  I'm puking in a turkey pan....

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  (360): You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal. (1-360): I'm puking in a turkey pan.... http://tfl.nu/y4jv
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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  (570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me". http://tfl.nu/8pyn
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero

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  (571): Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero http://tfl.nu/k0h6
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

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  (819): I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex. http://tfl.nu/mg33
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma

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  (330): Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma http://tfl.nu/lbww
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.

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  (901): Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood? (1-901): Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine. http://tfl.nu/uq9s
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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  (480): We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor." http://tfl.nu/95x9
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  (909): View more from California

  Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"

  (951): View more from California

  That's just where I'm at in my life.

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  (909): Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!" (951): That's just where I'm at in my life. http://tfl.nu/gh6a
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...

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  (902): He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it... http://tfl.nu/at35
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  Are you really alive right now?

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  (612): Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath. (1-612): Are you really alive right now? http://tfl.nu/b3cy
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body

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  (614): The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body http://tfl.nu/f4bm
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?

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  (402): Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window? http://tfl.nu/mwbz
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.

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  (406): Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on. http://tfl.nu/zrfh
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

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  (970): I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome. http://tfl.nu/hol9
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?

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  (765): Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots? http://tfl.nu/q4x4
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

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  (774): I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep http://tfl.nu/07gg
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.

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  (813): Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich. http://tfl.nu/j6pr
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.

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  (717): You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep. http://tfl.nu/lypi
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.

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  (540): Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes. http://tfl.nu/qx0i
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!

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  (613): She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved! http://tfl.nu/ke0j
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.

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  (856): Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes. http://tfl.nu/sl8l
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I'm romantic.

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  (306): I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones. (306): I'm romantic. http://tfl.nu/dair
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.

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  (303): Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish. http://tfl.nu/hxa3
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?

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  (781): Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it? http://tfl.nu/aevy
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

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  (336): Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM http://tfl.nu/7din
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We don't really communicate like that.

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Communicate like what?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

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  (617): We don't really communicate like that. (781): Communicate like what? (617): Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants. http://tfl.nu/kuit
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  (707): View more from California

  I wish your snatch was here

  (443): View more from Maryland

  If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you

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  (707): I wish your snatch was here (443): If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you http://tfl.nu/x7y8
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.

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  (514): I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed. http://tfl.nu/63hq
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze

  (713): View more from Texas

  My liver has a boner

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  (832): But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze (713): My liver has a boner http://tfl.nu/y8xq
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  wow. THAT good huh

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  (778): he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year (604): wow. THAT good huh http://tfl.nu/7t5m
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  (310): View more from California

  I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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  (310): I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass http://tfl.nu/6152
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

  (239): View more from Florida

  that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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  (850): I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult. (239): that is the opposite of a normal text message. http://tfl.nu/cufq
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  (818): View more from California

  Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.

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  (818): Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC. http://tfl.nu/yps0
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.

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  (519): And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication. http://tfl.nu/rgq1
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  (407): View more from Florida

  He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...

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  (407): He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on... http://tfl.nu/r90u
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  (650): View more from California

  Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.

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  (650): Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some. http://tfl.nu/6y08
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  I love you.

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  (214): Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants. (1-214): I love you. http://tfl.nu/sgzz
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?

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  (608): Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night? http://tfl.nu/t0sh
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.

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  (636): Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year. http://tfl.nu/cp8d
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?

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  (303): I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters? http://tfl.nu/gcgg
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha

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  (775): Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha http://tfl.nu/7v5q
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  (914): View more from New York

  I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.

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  (914): I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit. http://tfl.nu/fljs
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me

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  (425): i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me http://tfl.nu/5vfc
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted

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  (250): Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted http://tfl.nu/o9wr
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  Yep

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  (204): I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh? (1-204): Yep http://tfl.nu/wj63
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck

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  (+44): it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck http://tfl.nu/0y2l
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.

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  (816): Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg. http://tfl.nu/r8tk
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.

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  (740): I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state. http://tfl.nu/rhx6
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  (707): View more from California

  After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs

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  (707): After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs http://tfl.nu/t3em
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.

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  (602): All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/kqy9
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  (948): View more from

  He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.

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  (948): He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE. http://tfl.nu/y75n
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.

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  (316): You're always so generous when it comes to your dick. http://tfl.nu/6xho
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.

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  (208): Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen. http://tfl.nu/0ir7
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.

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  (989): I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon. http://tfl.nu/2nq9
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...

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  (613): Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick... http://tfl.nu/9qzg
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.

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  (541): Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad. http://tfl.nu/nlxo
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"

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  (440): As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today" http://tfl.nu/8gjm
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  (212): View more from New York

  That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!

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  (212): That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS! http://tfl.nu/7667
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  (714): View more from California

  You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

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  (714): You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue! http://tfl.nu/dw09
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom

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  (719): The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom http://tfl.nu/023b
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.

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  (603): Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on. http://tfl.nu/oqbv
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  (760): View more from California

  I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.

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  (760): I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death. http://tfl.nu/3p5q
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.

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  (615): We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably. http://tfl.nu/c0bc
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.

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  (505): Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood. http://tfl.nu/7ohn
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...

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  (843): When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"... http://tfl.nu/sfou
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.

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  (313): Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This. http://tfl.nu/r466
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  (408): View more from California

  Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.

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  (408): Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday. http://tfl.nu/vfie
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.

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  (641): If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics. http://tfl.nu/etl3
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.

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  (765): According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top. http://tfl.nu/djvr
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid

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  (231): if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid http://tfl.nu/52hr
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  (438): View more from Quebec

  Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.

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  (438): Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up. http://tfl.nu/g79y
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door

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  (336): We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door http://tfl.nu/uhw2
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.

  (1+61): View more from

  Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.

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  (+61): I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover. (1+61): Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer. http://tfl.nu/so7s
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours

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  (503): I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours http://tfl.nu/g0b7
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.

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  (208): Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now. http://tfl.nu/bdx8
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...

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  (412): Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion... http://tfl.nu/ll4v
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.

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  (248): Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds. http://tfl.nu/tb7m
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  (760): View more from California

  The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter

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  (760): The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter http://tfl.nu/uanv
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee

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  (904): I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee http://tfl.nu/enfq
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  Is this the acid talking?

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  (256): Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive. (1-256): Is this the acid talking? http://tfl.nu/txi2
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  (407): View more from Florida

  While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.

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  (407): While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead. http://tfl.nu/hup2
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.

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  (417): New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel. http://tfl.nu/qpdx
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun

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  (615): The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun http://tfl.nu/o67z
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  (845): View more from New York

  You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey

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  (845): You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey http://tfl.nu/3j62
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs

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  (517): I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs http://tfl.nu/fis6
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I was told my cock was a religious experience.

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  (913): I was told my cock was a religious experience. http://tfl.nu/13mw
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  (408): View more from California

  tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????

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  (408): tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ???? http://tfl.nu/bwh4
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

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  (918): That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates. http://tfl.nu/madm
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.

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  (425): I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it. http://tfl.nu/tr7o
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  (631): View more from New York

  I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

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  (631): I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth. http://tfl.nu/otea
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.

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  (319): You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks. http://tfl.nu/1rw7
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.

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  (318): Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult. http://tfl.nu/kp39
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  (425): View more from Washington

  OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

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  (425): OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES? http://tfl.nu/syph
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

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  (410): WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN http://tfl.nu/tdjl
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  (516): View more from New York

  I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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  (516): I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high. http://tfl.nu/l06x
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold

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  (407): I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold http://tfl.nu/xl1f
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad

  (1-613): View more from Ontario

  I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.

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  (613): Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad (1-613): I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it. http://tfl.nu/4mo6
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  (561): View more from Florida

  She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.

  (315): View more from New York

  How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??

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  (561): She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation. (315): How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives?? http://tfl.nu/1ctg
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.

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  (901): oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home. http://tfl.nu/ixn7
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012

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  (217): You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012 http://tfl.nu/onux
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  (323): View more from California

  He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"

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  (323): He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best" http://tfl.nu/tw6h
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke

  (647): View more from Ontario

  She kept going

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  (647): She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke (647): She kept going http://tfl.nu/fte0
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike

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  (513): It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike http://tfl.nu/56lf
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.

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  (610): Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka. http://tfl.nu/ea3z
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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  (229): Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it .. http://tfl.nu/xli3
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad

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  (513): Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad http://tfl.nu/ehr3
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.

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  (910): I gasped. Both pairs of lips did. http://tfl.nu/2kuf
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.

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  (941): Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight. http://tfl.nu/u4mj
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.

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  (610): SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE. http://tfl.nu/afff
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?

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  (870): Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk? http://tfl.nu/4pki
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."

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  (239): Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..." http://tfl.nu/k8r7
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?

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  (515): Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck? http://tfl.nu/s6e2
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  (646): View more from New York

  Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom

  (347): View more from New York

  I can't even drink.

  (646): View more from New York

  The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.

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  (646): Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom (347): I can't even drink. (646): The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples. http://tfl.nu/1cwa
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  (585): View more from New York

  So stoned i forgot i was in bed

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  (585): So stoned i forgot i was in bed http://tfl.nu/69t5
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.

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  (334): Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize. http://tfl.nu/dbij
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  (626): View more from California

  AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN

  (1-626): View more from California

  we're fated to lesbian

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  (626): AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN (1-626): we're fated to lesbian http://tfl.nu/bohp
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.

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  (303): Get a piano. I want to have sex on it. http://tfl.nu/t29o
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?

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  (662): Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!? http://tfl.nu/mo9h
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.

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  (601): Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator. http://tfl.nu/qsk4
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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  (724): No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology. http://tfl.nu/e8xh
  Replies (8) Good night (3654) Bad night (492)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.

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  (780): I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall. http://tfl.nu/azun
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...

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  (910): The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video... http://tfl.nu/iq5u
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina

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  (440): It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina http://tfl.nu/iyhy
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??

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  (586): Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus?? http://tfl.nu/6jql
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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  (614): Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on. http://tfl.nu/zmme
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.

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  (920): Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van. http://tfl.nu/upqb
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.

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  (512): I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air. http://tfl.nu/cigy
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.

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  (920): Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder. http://tfl.nu/33o4
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  we need ur ladder

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  (612): He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume (612): we need ur ladder http://tfl.nu/n9qh
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.

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  (618): Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually. http://tfl.nu/s8ua
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Love me.

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just for one nugget?

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  (508): Love me. (781): GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS. (508): Just for one nugget? http://tfl.nu/9y03
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  Is that what happened to my face?!

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  (715): There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders. (1-715): Is that what happened to my face?! http://tfl.nu/edsg
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  . Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.

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  (615): . Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this. http://tfl.nu/oczw
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  (213): View more from California

  Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.

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  (213): Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave. http://tfl.nu/dd7g
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  (212): View more from New York

  She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.

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  (212): She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess. http://tfl.nu/ade3
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.

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  (412): I am the sex elephant in the room. Again. http://tfl.nu/d7uz
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  (607): View more from New York

  You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.

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  (607): You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were. http://tfl.nu/pdic
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.

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  (910): No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess. http://tfl.nu/luxa
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.

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  (309): I almost lit my balls on fire tonight. http://tfl.nu/1whc
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  (310): View more from California

  So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...

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  (310): So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off... http://tfl.nu/wmce
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  "Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.

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  (775): "Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices. http://tfl.nu/nbbz
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.

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  (563): I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked. http://tfl.nu/l7dr
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way

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  (702): Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from? (702): Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way http://tfl.nu/vsyq
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.

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  (207): Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm. http://tfl.nu/a20h
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  (818): View more from California

  Hahah what did you even say to him?!

  (805): View more from California

  That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?

  (818): View more from California

  Oh.

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  (818): Hahah what did you even say to him?! (805): That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower? (818): Oh. http://tfl.nu/lvu0
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.

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  (202): there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/ma3l
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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  (856): My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic? http://tfl.nu/h7hc
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  You sound pretty unsure about all of this.

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  (720): I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses. (1-720): You sound pretty unsure about all of this. http://tfl.nu/jh6b
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

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  (989): Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics? http://tfl.nu/kwmb
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

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  (860): I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage. http://tfl.nu/q50p
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.

  (844): View more from

  Oh its going to be that type of weekend?

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  (641): Bring my gorilla suit and my bong. (844): Oh its going to be that type of weekend? http://tfl.nu/0lse
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I am going to be fat forever.

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  (970): I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer. (970): I am going to be fat forever. http://tfl.nu/3hpn
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  (916): View more from California

  i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget

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  (916): i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget http://tfl.nu/82uy
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  can I come stay the night

  (217): View more from Illinois

  yeah, but no sex tonight

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'll stay home

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  (810): can I come stay the night (217): yeah, but no sex tonight (810): I'll stay home http://tfl.nu/tu8g
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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  (248): Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting." http://tfl.nu/6v74
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

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  (828): then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge http://tfl.nu/hh8c
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"

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  (802): when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us" http://tfl.nu/ho4p
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Where the royal fuck are you??

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  The depths of vodka hell.

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  (425): Where the royal fuck are you?? (1-425): The depths of vodka hell. http://tfl.nu/wloy
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.

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  (501): gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable. http://tfl.nu/22ca
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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  (317): Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace. http://tfl.nu/qgcb
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

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  (203): She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was http://tfl.nu/dgtk
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.

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  (513): Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette. http://tfl.nu/g7cy
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  (925): View more from California

  She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

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  (925): She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about. http://tfl.nu/434y
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium

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  (717): dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium http://tfl.nu/wa3w
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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  (248): the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky http://tfl.nu/6tb5
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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  (+44): Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/0o8e
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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  (401): His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old http://tfl.nu/b9xq
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating

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  (262): At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun (262): Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating http://tfl.nu/mni7
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  sorry

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  why?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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  (301): sorry (304): why? (301): oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you? http://tfl.nu/0491
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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  (401): She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough. http://tfl.nu/js6s
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.

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  (307): I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why. (303): Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube. http://tfl.nu/4s63
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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  (312): i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it. http://tfl.nu/r7km
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.

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  (808): No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager. http://tfl.nu/g78j
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.

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  (541): I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me. http://tfl.nu/2bgd
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.

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  (417): I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday. http://tfl.nu/aq1n
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  (661): View more from California

  His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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  (661): His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger http://tfl.nu/nen0
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.

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  (608): This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat. http://tfl.nu/hchn
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  (516): View more from New York

  You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.

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  (516): You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off. http://tfl.nu/6qfp
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

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  (703): I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK? http://tfl.nu/mw9u
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  PS: I just woke up from my shower

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  (636): PS: I just woke up from my shower http://tfl.nu/57k9
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.

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  (248): You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open. http://tfl.nu/8umi
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.

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  (815): I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes. http://tfl.nu/i72f
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.

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  (913): just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone. http://tfl.nu/qc7n
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I've literally never felt worse

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  My body feels like its decomposing

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  (203): I've literally never felt worse (203): My body feels like its decomposing http://tfl.nu/4u06
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?

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  (312): When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad? http://tfl.nu/0o5n
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  (516): View more from New York

  We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom

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  (516): We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom http://tfl.nu/tkh6
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  Again?

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  (309): He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass. (1-309): Again? http://tfl.nu/q9t8
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.

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  (828): you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire. http://tfl.nu/efxs
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.

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  (740): omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause. http://tfl.nu/xm5u
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I just feel like you're using me for sex.

  (383): View more from

  I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship

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  (401): I just feel like you're using me for sex. (383): I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship http://tfl.nu/typ8
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.

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  (803): My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please. http://tfl.nu/htsn
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?

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  (919): Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight? http://tfl.nu/hr5u
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.

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  (207): I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone. http://tfl.nu/cis8
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body

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  (973): casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body http://tfl.nu/5oad
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  (949): View more from California

  Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.

  (949): View more from California

  I felt like a god.

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  (949): Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list. (949): I felt like a god. http://tfl.nu/u6fp
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU

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  (816): If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU http://tfl.nu/815m
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?

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  (989): Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night? http://tfl.nu/ukhn
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry

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  (715): Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry http://tfl.nu/21br
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

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  (515): We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all. http://tfl.nu/if2m
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  what type of emt are you

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  (860): i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off. (1-860): what type of emt are you http://tfl.nu/8o94
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  May the one with the liver that just won't quit win

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  (843): May the one with the liver that just won't quit win http://tfl.nu/5sn2
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.

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  (603): I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him. http://tfl.nu/nzef
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  (949): View more from California

  I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall

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  (949): I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall http://tfl.nu/bi4y
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette

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  (973): You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette http://tfl.nu/vrto
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  ur mom makes the best bacon

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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  (570): ur mom makes the best bacon (1-570): WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE http://tfl.nu/0ryx
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.

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  (503): She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist. http://tfl.nu/sycq
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  (435): View more from Utah

  I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

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  (435): I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read http://tfl.nu/7a19
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this

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  (708): Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this http://tfl.nu/2xjb
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

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  (479): Big girls don't cry they get day drunk http://tfl.nu/o4rn
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

  (1-443): View more from Maryland

  That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

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  (443): Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please. (1-443): That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude. http://tfl.nu/3mvf
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  (951): View more from California

  You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

  (1-951): View more from California

  This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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  (951): You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you. (1-951): This is the first time I'm hearing this information. http://tfl.nu/wdlz
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.

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  (613): You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you. http://tfl.nu/xki1
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  (954): View more from Florida

  stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us

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  (954): stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us http://tfl.nu/1h6z
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