Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He better not be in your backpack
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You made out with two different species that night
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us