His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
this will be a night to untag.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
they said they heard you say put it in my butt