my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
well I can't set my house on fire every night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you guys were way drunker than both of me
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.