he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
