Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
