Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i drank out of a bidet.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
dude you need to get laid
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i think i have herpe
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.