It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
porn star boner night. come get it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
her vagine was all disorganized.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
I'm going to Hell for sure
only if we run a train.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she looked like the before picture.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.