theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
God, you're like boner-b-gone
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She is in my trunk
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?