Texts From Last Night · want

want_some94's Favorites Texts:

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(703): View more from Virginia

Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(713): View more from Texas

We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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(407): View more from Florida

i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(904): View more from Florida

Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(626): View more from California

Dignity is for republicans.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

(708): View more from Illinois

WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

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(928): View more from Arizona

she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(630): View more from Illinois

He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(917): View more from New York City

I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(949): View more from California

The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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(708): View more from Illinois

its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(847): View more from Illinois

oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(660): View more from Missouri

My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(419): View more from Ohio

This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(319): View more from Iowa

I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.

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(708): View more from Illinois

If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

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(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(564): View more from Washington

I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(614): View more from Ohio

trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

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(850): View more from Florida

I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.

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(516): View more from New York

Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

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(816): View more from Missouri

They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

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(303): View more from Colorado

He felt like a one man threesome

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(503): View more from Oregon

today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

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(703): View more from Virginia

you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head

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(443): View more from Maryland

he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off

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(716): View more from New York

I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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(847): View more from Illinois

I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

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(562): View more from California

How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?

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(719): View more from Colorado

3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado

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(330): View more from Ohio

Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

(941): View more from Florida

better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(904): View more from Florida

I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep

(732): View more from New Jersey

sorry. that wasn't for you

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...

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(516): View more from New York

A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am

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(361): View more from Texas

Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week

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(607): View more from New York

I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.

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(516): View more from New York

you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.

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(618): View more from Illinois

the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I love watching others lives come down to our level.

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(315): View more from New York

My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

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(315): View more from New York

words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover

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(325): View more from Texas

Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.

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(503): View more from Oregon

She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.

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(314): View more from Missouri

great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter

(1-314): View more from Missouri

at least I said it was good

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(214): View more from Texas

And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit

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(914): View more from New York

i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

shes about as inviting as chlamydia

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(818): View more from California

Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(865): View more from Tennessee

i just google imaged poop.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me

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(612): View more from Minnesota

dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear

(952): View more from Minnesota

gross she's a slut

(612): View more from Minnesota

yea she doesn't shave either

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(514): View more from Quebec

you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night

(514): View more from Quebec

i got kicked out last time for laughing

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(514): View more from Quebec

just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(406): View more from Montana

Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself

(207): View more from Maine

OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis

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(253): View more from Washington

I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.

(404): View more from Georgia

Is it any good?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): View more from Massachusetts

So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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(323): View more from California

We should be called the Road Head Warriors

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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(206): View more from Washington

I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.

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(915): View more from Texas

My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!

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(301): View more from Maryland

The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.

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(510): View more from California

You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating

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(303): View more from Colorado

New channing tatum movie.

(858): View more from California

I'll bring my vibrator.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Sacagawea was the original milf.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

True Life: I hate vaginal excretions

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(320): View more from Minnesota

On imdb the canadians say It's amazing

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Did you hit it?

(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(956): View more from Texas

Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity

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(925): View more from California

never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(770): View more from Georgia

his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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(253): View more from Washington

just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else

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(239): View more from Florida

Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Girls should come with a carfax report

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(631): View more from New York

our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(214): View more from Texas

I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up

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(708): View more from Illinois

just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.

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(925): View more from California

just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)

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(530): View more from California

I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

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(812): View more from Indiana

I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.

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(757): View more from Virginia

adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno

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(513): View more from Ohio

The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.

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(516): View more from New York

I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space

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(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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(248): View more from Michigan

thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.

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(305): View more from Florida

The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.

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(317): View more from Indiana

just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home

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(605): View more from South Dakota

For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have edible shot glasses at target.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

There really is a God.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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