I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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