krhod's Favorites Texts:

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  (971): View more from Oregon

  you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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  (971): you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON http://tfl.nu/6e6p
  Replies (8) Good night (1316) Bad night (104) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.

  (509): View more from Washington

  you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left

  (971): View more from Oregon

  goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan

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  (971): I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH. (509): you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left (971): goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan http://tfl.nu/bxrp
  Replies (4) Good night (905) Bad night (101)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day

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  (515): Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day http://tfl.nu/z36i
  Replies (6) Good night (795) Bad night (108) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?

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  (218): Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young? http://tfl.nu/34pp
  Replies (15) Good night (1114) Bad night (156) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.

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  (314): I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed. http://tfl.nu/a0tv
  Replies (5) Good night (830) Bad night (76) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.

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  (202): I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part. http://tfl.nu/p8tj
  Replies (2) Good night (238) Bad night (816)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.

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  (443): Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos. http://tfl.nu/iwo5
  Replies (8) Good night (1310) Bad night (155) Order T-Shirt
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Does the room smell any better?

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.

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  (606): Does the room smell any better? (859): Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless. http://tfl.nu/3ric
  Replies (12) Good night (836) Bad night (261)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

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  (780): If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML http://tfl.nu/m3i8
  Replies (8) Good night (1279) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.

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  (479): The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it. http://tfl.nu/6rje
  Replies (7) Good night (997) Bad night (211)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.

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  (856): I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree. http://tfl.nu/ftwn
  Replies (4) Good night (282) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.

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  (586): He probably thinks you're playing hard to get. (248): Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone. http://tfl.nu/1zpx
  Replies (1) Good night (1143) Bad night (224)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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  (270): Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man. http://tfl.nu/achk
  Replies (9) Good night (1918) Bad night (197) Order T-Shirt
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

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  (779): I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs http://tfl.nu/n819
  Replies (8) Good night (1939) Bad night (215) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.

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  (619): Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming. http://tfl.nu/68ul
  Replies (4) Good night (592) Bad night (249) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

  (315): View more from New York

  Who is this?!????

  (518): View more from New York

  That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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  (518): That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook. (315): Who is this?!???? (518): That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger. http://tfl.nu/487m
  Replies (7) Good night (2877) Bad night (254)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.

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  (770): Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer. (770): Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand. http://tfl.nu/1fds
  Replies (7) Good night (750) Bad night (237)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.

  (206): View more from Washington

  so that's what that room is for...

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  (253): she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows. (206): so that's what that room is for... http://tfl.nu/5gyi
  Replies (5) Good night (837) Bad night (216)
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  (310): View more from California

  My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.

  (1-310): View more from California

  That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.

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  (310): My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing. (1-310): That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens. http://tfl.nu/xmxh
  Replies (14) Good night (1918) Bad night (325)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels

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  (423): You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels http://tfl.nu/y9c9
  Replies (5) Good night (899) Bad night (201)
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  (310): View more from California

  i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works

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  (310): i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works http://tfl.nu/taju
  Replies (4) Good night (829) Bad night (154) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

  (360): View more from Washington

  1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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  (206): You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits. (360): 1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you http://tfl.nu/1254
  Replies (9) Good night (2138) Bad night (250)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on

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  (609): Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on http://tfl.nu/f543
  Replies (2) Good night (683) Bad night (298) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"

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  (+61): Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart" http://tfl.nu/icuk
  Replies (3) Good night (1490) Bad night (256)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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  (616): if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore http://tfl.nu/orke
  Replies (10) Good night (2082) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  was it you?

  (802): View more from Vermont

  ...yes

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  (802): just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store (203): was it you? (802): ...yes http://tfl.nu/br4h
  Replies (7) Good night (2155) Bad night (231)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
  Replies (11) Good night (2760) Bad night (281) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.

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  (571): In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades. http://tfl.nu/v1fc
  Replies (18) Good night (1010) Bad night (303)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.

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  (815): After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin. http://tfl.nu/me1g
  Replies (3) Good night (839) Bad night (345) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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  (920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25
  Replies (16) Good night (9988) Bad night (921) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.

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  (403): The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her. http://tfl.nu/lviw
  Replies (5) Good night (1932) Bad night (255)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see

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  (651): Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see http://tfl.nu/afr3
  Replies (6) Good night (1337) Bad night (232) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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  (386): I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount." http://tfl.nu/nxe2
  Replies (5) Good night (2530) Bad night (250)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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  (216): I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex (216): Never mind I found pizza just bring sex http://tfl.nu/1kkn
  Replies (4) Good night (1588) Bad night (372)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I didn't notice because vodka

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  (832): I didn't notice because vodka http://tfl.nu/t52z
  Replies (3) Good night (1314) Bad night (276) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.

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  (803): I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids! (1-803): Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew. http://tfl.nu/h7pj
  Replies (6) Good night (1682) Bad night (407)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.

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  (330): STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big. http://tfl.nu/njru
  Replies (4) Good night (1347) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.

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  (503): Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you. http://tfl.nu/ee0n
  Replies (5) Good night (2031) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
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  (873): View more from

  I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in

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  (873): I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in http://tfl.nu/bvll
  Replies (3) Good night (1812) Bad night (254) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.

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  (727): I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate. http://tfl.nu/o1ey
  Replies (5) Good night (1369) Bad night (235)
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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  (660): On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics. http://tfl.nu/mn1y
  Replies (24) Good night (2536) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future

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  (954): i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future http://tfl.nu/c3ju
  Replies (4) Good night (1939) Bad night (262) Order T-Shirt
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  (627): View more from California

  Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.

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  (627): Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time. http://tfl.nu/xynl
  Replies (7) Good night (2204) Bad night (290)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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  (509): My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand http://tfl.nu/ch2o
  Replies (14) Good night (2552) Bad night (324) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.

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  (310): My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever. http://tfl.nu/d22o
  Replies (6) Good night (3209) Bad night (355)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month

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  (515): I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month http://tfl.nu/wdkb
  Replies (9) Good night (1032) Bad night (288) Order T-Shirt
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.

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  (906): Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die. http://tfl.nu/zxmz
  Replies (7) Good night (2323) Bad night (301)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it

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  (541): I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it http://tfl.nu/0g6v
  Replies (4) Good night (2006) Bad night (244) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real

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  (812): gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real http://tfl.nu/mhxe
  Replies (4) Good night (1125) Bad night (215) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

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  (914): I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish" http://tfl.nu/lggm
  Replies (15) Good night (3801) Bad night (279)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.

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  (403): The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume. http://tfl.nu/nbz2
  Replies (5) Good night (2059) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  who dressed up as a cop at your party???

  (1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

  idk I have to check. Why?

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.

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  (724): who dressed up as a cop at your party??? (1-724): idk I have to check. Why? (724): he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM. http://tfl.nu/wn9a
  Replies (5) Good night (2323) Bad night (221)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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  (617): Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane. http://tfl.nu/ph9r
  Replies (11) Good night (3422) Bad night (345) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.

  (818): View more from California

  That was one of the best texts I got today

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  (760): Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner. (818): That was one of the best texts I got today http://tfl.nu/vb5p
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care

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  (817): I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care http://tfl.nu/4w1d
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.

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  (989): If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals. http://tfl.nu/so0f
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.

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  (616): Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening. http://tfl.nu/2jna
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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  (937): I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/hc91
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show

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  (775): Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show http://tfl.nu/uyql
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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  (413): Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker" (1-413): I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family http://tfl.nu/b85j
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  (845): View more from New York

  Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.

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  (845): Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored. http://tfl.nu/hxpc
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts

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  (+61): As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts http://tfl.nu/kck3
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

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  (402): Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains. http://tfl.nu/xruv
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.

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  (407): Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out. http://tfl.nu/1dhs
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  (904): View more from Florida

  You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.

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  (904): You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell. http://tfl.nu/g46j
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.

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  (304): I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over. http://tfl.nu/9s58
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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  (618): I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays. http://tfl.nu/7cee
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours

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  (519): Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours http://tfl.nu/fxl2
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.

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  (203): He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude. http://tfl.nu/xcp6
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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  (570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me". http://tfl.nu/8pyn
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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  (480): We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor." http://tfl.nu/95x9
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  (845): View more from New York

  just woke up under a car ? That's odd

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Holy fucking shit

  (845): View more from New York

  WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT

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  (845): just woke up under a car ? That's odd (603): Holy fucking shit (845): WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT http://tfl.nu/jvxr
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

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  (774): I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep http://tfl.nu/07gg
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  (585): View more from New York

  Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

  (1-585): View more from New York

  How high are you?

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  (585): Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies. (1-585): How high are you? http://tfl.nu/ixro
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  (310): View more from California

  I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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  (310): I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass http://tfl.nu/6152
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  I love you football head

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  (773): Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head. (1-773): I love you football head http://tfl.nu/y5ut
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

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  (402): I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men. http://tfl.nu/t0j9
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5

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  (+44): i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5 http://tfl.nu/ljio
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.

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  (215): You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you. http://tfl.nu/sg3o
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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  (850): Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians. (1-850): Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue. http://tfl.nu/hc5m
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  (315): View more from New York

  i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy

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  (315): i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy http://tfl.nu/pdy7
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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  (978): Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab. (617): What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family! http://tfl.nu/wlta
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  (813): View more from Florida

  This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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  (813): This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny. http://tfl.nu/7jk5
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

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  (828): Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state. http://tfl.nu/9dzb
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Love me.

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just for one nugget?

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  (508): Love me. (781): GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS. (508): Just for one nugget? http://tfl.nu/9y03
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  (310): View more from California

  Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.

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  (310): Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes. http://tfl.nu/zngo
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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  (609): I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot. http://tfl.nu/64ct
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.

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  (512): Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb. http://tfl.nu/pyo6
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  (925): View more from California

  crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

  (1-925): View more from California

  YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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  (925): crossed #23 off the Slucket List! (1-925): YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING. http://tfl.nu/ln8o
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.

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  (405): SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine. http://tfl.nu/9wmu
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.

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  (608): Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli. http://tfl.nu/5kl3
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  (516): View more from New York

  Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.

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  (516): Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly. http://tfl.nu/i5qz
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  (435): View more from Utah

  I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

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  (435): I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read http://tfl.nu/7a19
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  ur mom makes the best bacon

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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  (570): ur mom makes the best bacon (1-570): WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE http://tfl.nu/0ryx
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.

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  (515): Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number. http://tfl.nu/1xqc
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body

  (1-778): View more from British Columbia

  I wish I could understand how you function in society

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  (778): it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body (1-778): I wish I could understand how you function in society http://tfl.nu/9z0t
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  (951): View more from California

  You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

  (1-951): View more from California

  This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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  (951): You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you. (1-951): This is the first time I'm hearing this information. http://tfl.nu/wdlz
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

  (1-443): View more from Maryland

  That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

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  (443): Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please. (1-443): That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude. http://tfl.nu/3mvf
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  (954): View more from Florida

  stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us

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  (954): stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us http://tfl.nu/1h6z
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Sunday is the day of rest.

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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  (857): Sunday is the day of rest. (857): As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest. http://tfl.nu/lma5
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."

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  (248): So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits." http://tfl.nu/x9en
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  (415): View more from California

  Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

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  (415): Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store. http://tfl.nu/kxjk
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?

  (309): View more from Illinois

  No idea. And yes be here at 4

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  (801): Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding? (309): No idea. And yes be here at 4 http://tfl.nu/o72l
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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  (828): Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado http://tfl.nu/of4e
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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  (807): It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time. http://tfl.nu/tzie
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits

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  (330): He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits http://tfl.nu/kxc9
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  (805): View more from California

  What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

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  (805): What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc. http://tfl.nu/01sm
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut

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  (605): captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut http://tfl.nu/q1db
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  (210): View more from Texas

  You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

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  (210): You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL http://tfl.nu/gpbu
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.

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  (206): Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open. http://tfl.nu/s990
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

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  (+61): I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in. http://tfl.nu/ilgv
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.

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  (919): I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline. http://tfl.nu/f3bf
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  (626): View more from California

  I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.

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  (626): I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime. http://tfl.nu/zedi
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

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  (205): High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead. http://tfl.nu/efrd
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  (315): View more from New York

  A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos

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  (315): A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos http://tfl.nu/8sxj
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Almost there.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.

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  (402): Almost there. (1-402): define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway. http://tfl.nu/xjed
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  (305): View more from Florida

  The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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  (305): The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies. http://tfl.nu/h31z
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  (206): View more from Washington

  "Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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  (206): "Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha http://tfl.nu/1j7y
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  (979): View more from Texas

  It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

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  (979): It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun. http://tfl.nu/ajrj
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.

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  (406): I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price. http://tfl.nu/xxnk
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  (786): View more from Florida

  What vodka is american?

  (1-786): View more from Florida

  Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.

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  (786): What vodka is american? (1-786): Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july. http://tfl.nu/p6uy
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis

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  (970): Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis http://tfl.nu/gujt
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.

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  (310): I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated. http://tfl.nu/zxsm
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day

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  (808): I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day http://tfl.nu/wum7
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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  (810): I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire http://tfl.nu/lsgu
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.

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  (702): The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever. http://tfl.nu/lrkg
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  (213): View more from California

  And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at

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  (213): And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at http://tfl.nu/rkdn
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  (415): View more from California

  Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.

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  (415): Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups. http://tfl.nu/od5l
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.

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  (248): Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime. http://tfl.nu/xtk5
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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  (301): Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours. http://tfl.nu/5jwu
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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  (+44): I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye. http://tfl.nu/9vv3
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  I decided to mark my territory.

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  (309): Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket? (1-309): I decided to mark my territory. http://tfl.nu/6hzp
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.

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  (519): My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning. http://tfl.nu/s24c
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  (951): View more from California

  omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited

  (951): View more from California

  dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles

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  (951): omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited (951): dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles http://tfl.nu/4z6p
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  (310): View more from California

  My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?

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  (310): My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here? http://tfl.nu/bu6m
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  (904): View more from Florida

  He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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  (904): He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer. http://tfl.nu/iriu
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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  (774): I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it. http://tfl.nu/ttfm
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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  (775): He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless http://tfl.nu/uuhp
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  just fucking run.

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  (304): i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape? (301): just fucking run. http://tfl.nu/0wzu
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

  (360): View more from Washington

  It was me.

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  (360): Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who. (360): It was me. http://tfl.nu/kgk9
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

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  (602): Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house? http://tfl.nu/arpl
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  (805): View more from California

  WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts

  (805): View more from California

  YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts are serious business

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  (805): WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH (1-805): budget cuts (805): YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS (1-805): budget cuts are serious business http://tfl.nu/xrnj
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

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  (780): We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!" http://tfl.nu/le50
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.

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  (248): He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it. http://tfl.nu/eor8
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!

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  (910): It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed! http://tfl.nu/bbxy
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin

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  (816): And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin http://tfl.nu/pn96
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.

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  (416): i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay. http://tfl.nu/0u7w
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex

  (773): View more from Illinois

  SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?

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  (617): So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex (773): SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard? http://tfl.nu/5vnv
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  (626): View more from California

  HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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  (626): HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN? http://tfl.nu/rsqz
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

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  (406): Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast. http://tfl.nu/9556
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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  (814): What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners." (423): Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A. (814): No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay. http://tfl.nu/o5wb
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

  (512): View more from Texas

  That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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  (508): I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur. (512): That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot? http://tfl.nu/yofn
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.

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  (910): I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with. http://tfl.nu/a0xq
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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  (270): It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.." http://tfl.nu/em6p
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

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  (778): We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in? http://tfl.nu/nu3d
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  (510): View more from California

  yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him

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  (510): yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him http://tfl.nu/nlke
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

  (785): View more from Kansas

  When were you at my house?

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  (913): I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home. (785): When were you at my house? http://tfl.nu/k6cm
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  (845): View more from New York

  Make me a sandwich

  (301): View more from Maryland

  The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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  (845): Make me a sandwich (301): The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich. http://tfl.nu/al2a
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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  (505): Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard. http://tfl.nu/5mz2
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  (714): View more from California

  You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.

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  (714): You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus. http://tfl.nu/3jtv
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  (631): View more from New York

  So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.

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  (631): So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown. http://tfl.nu/wxtg
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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  (704): Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor. http://tfl.nu/wceh
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen

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  (913): I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen http://tfl.nu/cr8z
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

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  (812): I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you http://tfl.nu/vw2w
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"

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  (248): The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations" http://tfl.nu/0f04
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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  (919): Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today. http://tfl.nu/hnp2
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

  (972): View more from Texas

  Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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  (817): Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift. (972): Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking. http://tfl.nu/jm0q
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

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  (417): It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday. http://tfl.nu/s40o
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.

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  (720): I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony. http://tfl.nu/wqpi
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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  (919): I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle" http://tfl.nu/r7nr
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.

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  (651): You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out. http://tfl.nu/2o8m
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  (716): View more from New York

  You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.

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  (716): You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole. http://tfl.nu/l1gi
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  (619): View more from California

  Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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  (619): Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by... http://tfl.nu/g8gw
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I love you bro

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  (630): Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese (312): Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard? (630): I love you bro http://tfl.nu/jz3g
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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  (904): I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded http://tfl.nu/240k
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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  (208): so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate. http://tfl.nu/25ho
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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  (847): Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding http://tfl.nu/svxp
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"

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  (306): I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth" http://tfl.nu/c8fv
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

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  (512): Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong http://tfl.nu/wvqv
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  (707): View more from California

  You rang?

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.

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  (707): You rang? (405): Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone. http://tfl.nu/xnwm
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  were you high?

  (1-505): View more from New Mexico

  When?

  (1-505): View more from New Mexico

  Actually just blanket yes to that question

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  (505): were you high? (1-505): When? (1-505): Actually just blanket yes to that question http://tfl.nu/yc7i
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  he ran through my sliding door

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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  (815): he ran through my sliding door (1-815): in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers http://tfl.nu/3l97
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot

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  (508): I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot http://tfl.nu/m2xq
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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  (614): Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles. http://tfl.nu/gha2
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.

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  (613): How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me. http://tfl.nu/pw4l
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  (914): View more from New York

  The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.

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  (914): The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands. http://tfl.nu/vf34
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  (331): View more from Illinois

  My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

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  (331): My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good. http://tfl.nu/opzi
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  (949): View more from California

  I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

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  (949): I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id. (702): It's like the whiskey god was watching over you http://tfl.nu/wgp4
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  (210): View more from Texas

  you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.

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  (210): you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug. http://tfl.nu/nztu
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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  (614): This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up! http://tfl.nu/jjmt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.

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  (360): What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is. http://tfl.nu/1m0s
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

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  (717): Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error. (1-717): Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening. http://tfl.nu/753x
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  (707): View more from California

  is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

  (408): View more from California

  your beer goggles are on backwards.

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  (707): is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive?? (408): your beer goggles are on backwards. http://tfl.nu/ojnh
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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  (919): she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE http://tfl.nu/jqwa
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.

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  (337): Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one. http://tfl.nu/xgt0
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?

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  (314): hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay? http://tfl.nu/svsk
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You're just horny.

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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  (401): You're just horny. (1-401): Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps. http://tfl.nu/yzld
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  (801): View more from Utah

  When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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  (801): When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married? http://tfl.nu/a2v4
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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  (608): You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal. http://tfl.nu/so63
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

  (+48): View more from Poland

  Poland

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  (+44): You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you? (+48): Poland http://tfl.nu/96rz
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.

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  (330): He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me. http://tfl.nu/bsc2
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  (360): View more from Washington

  you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.

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  (360): you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own. http://tfl.nu/6swo
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  (917): View more from New York City

  when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

  (347): View more from New York

  he is a god among men.

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  (917): when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment. (917): Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles. (347): he is a god among men. http://tfl.nu/gmep
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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  (207): She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight http://tfl.nu/6sqo
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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  (440): I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire. http://tfl.nu/vw34
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.

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  (316): There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day. http://tfl.nu/dhd7
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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  (734): this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card http://tfl.nu/flh6
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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  (317): I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me. http://tfl.nu/xee4
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.

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  (609): Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people. http://tfl.nu/gli6
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  (914): View more from New York

  We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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  (914): We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar. http://tfl.nu/5gv0
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

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  (208): I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear http://tfl.nu/1f0a
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.

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  (970): Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study. http://tfl.nu/bvl6
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  (253): View more from Washington

  If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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  (253): If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life. http://tfl.nu/jc0t
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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  (416): I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn. http://tfl.nu/iixt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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  (508): This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies." (401): I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are. http://tfl.nu/26v4
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  (310): View more from California

  Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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  (310): Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well. http://tfl.nu/39wu
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision

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  (702): Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision http://tfl.nu/1pgb
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  (760): View more from California

  I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?

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  (760): I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways? http://tfl.nu/qqdu
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?

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  (615): Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes? http://tfl.nu/jms8
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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  (774): I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit. http://tfl.nu/t89l
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog

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  (312): Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog http://tfl.nu/dk0r
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

  (1-414): View more from Wisconsin

  I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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  (414): We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply (1-414): I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday http://tfl.nu/j6sm
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

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  (519): You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month. http://tfl.nu/3065
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.

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  (412): some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job. http://tfl.nu/yk8c
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.

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  (484): whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks. http://tfl.nu/9g8j
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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  (815): thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends. http://tfl.nu/i5k2
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  (415): View more from California

  There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

  (415): View more from California

  No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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  (415): There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest. (415): No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans http://tfl.nu/liuw
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Is there a law against that?

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.

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  (304): Is there a law against that? (717): Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life. http://tfl.nu/tyhd
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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  (586): I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me. http://tfl.nu/23ps
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  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

  (773): View more from Illinois

  yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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  (708): is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro (773): yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house. (708): how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience? http://tfl.nu/hgr9
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  (707): View more from California

  She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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  (707): She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place. http://tfl.nu/aqji
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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  (941): Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything. http://tfl.nu/u3ar
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  please bring me a paper towel asap.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.

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  (540): please bring me a paper towel asap. (540): I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do. http://tfl.nu/d1je
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.

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  (202): I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now. http://tfl.nu/oo06
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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  (304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us. (1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat? (304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut. http://tfl.nu/bds8
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

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  (330): Want me to give your number to an army recruiter? (614): I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist? (330): I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us. http://tfl.nu/ti2n
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...

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  (517): Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions... http://tfl.nu/wg6s
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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  (803): Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar. http://tfl.nu/zuya
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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  (317): A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some. http://tfl.nu/08yo
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  (818): View more from California

  Jake died.

  (310): View more from California

  WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

  (818): View more from California

  Oops typo. Jake cried.

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  (818): Jake died. (310): WTF????????? That's how you tell me???? (818): Oops typo. Jake cried. http://tfl.nu/zib8
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.

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  (815): Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool. http://tfl.nu/9aum
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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  (401): anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches. http://tfl.nu/n5i2
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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  (404): He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13. http://tfl.nu/mb7j
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  (509): View more from Washington

  And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid

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  (509): And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid http://tfl.nu/oqc1
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

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  (206): I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day. http://tfl.nu/m69g
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Breakfast tacos?

  (1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

  YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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  (832): Breakfast tacos? (1-832): YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS http://tfl.nu/haxw
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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  (302): Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit. http://tfl.nu/yb12
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.

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  (765): I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro. http://tfl.nu/6pjm
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.

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  (512): Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today. http://tfl.nu/tybk
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
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  (904): View more from Florida

  he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

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  (904): he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french? http://tfl.nu/ofgx
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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  (860): MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!! (860): I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo http://tfl.nu/vjys
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  (850): View more from Florida

  They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.

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  (850): They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here. http://tfl.nu/6x4c
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  (585): View more from New York

  He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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  (585): He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working. http://tfl.nu/9caj
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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  (610): The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom. (484): I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you. http://tfl.nu/hypz
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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  (636): He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping. (314): That was the greatest thing i have ever read. http://tfl.nu/0exi
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  (956): View more from Texas

  He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...

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  (956): He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type... http://tfl.nu/bma2
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.

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  (952): Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded. http://tfl.nu/fg0e
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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  (717): It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost. http://tfl.nu/w01g
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  (559): View more from California

  We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.

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  (559): We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child. http://tfl.nu/mund
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  (925): View more from California

  370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

  (1-925): View more from California

  what are you doing with your life

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  (925): 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down (1-925): what are you doing with your life http://tfl.nu/25tc
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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  (732): wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable http://tfl.nu/5ca2
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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  (913): I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms. (1-913): So you know, I'm making that my facebook status. http://tfl.nu/4s8l
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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  (+44): Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people. http://tfl.nu/uumz
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

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  (717): Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/7fz1
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

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  (314): At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving? http://tfl.nu/o7j4
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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  (660): what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate? (816): um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan http://tfl.nu/0tla
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  (212): View more from New York

  So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober

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  (212): So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober http://tfl.nu/1m5a
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  (509): View more from Washington

  We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea

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  (509): We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea http://tfl.nu/v62m
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

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  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
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  (801): View more from Utah

  If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...

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  (801): If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy... http://tfl.nu/s54g
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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  (256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self. http://tfl.nu/pw1v
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  (903): View more from Texas

  EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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  (903): EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT http://tfl.nu/usnf
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  "bouncy castle"

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  (919): what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl" (1-919): "bouncy castle" http://tfl.nu/3vde
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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  (519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl
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  (716): View more from New York

  Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.

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  (716): Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests. http://tfl.nu/12h2
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

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  (440): yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything. http://tfl.nu/2obm
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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  (217): Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me? (1-217): Vomiting outside the employee entrance http://tfl.nu/gco9
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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  (816): He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man http://tfl.nu/qpf8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Come over. Drunk tacos.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  That isn't even a sentence.

  (214): View more from Texas

  I kept the important parts.

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  (214): Come over. Drunk tacos. (1-214): That isn't even a sentence. (214): I kept the important parts. http://tfl.nu/2pq0
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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  (289): Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger. http://tfl.nu/9mbe
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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  (610): Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it. http://tfl.nu/tp8b
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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  (207): I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7 http://tfl.nu/thj7
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  (805): View more from California

  I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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  (805): I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something. http://tfl.nu/b077
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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  (417): When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion. http://tfl.nu/easp
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.

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  (306): I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park. http://tfl.nu/fvsb
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

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  (205): He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero. http://tfl.nu/osga
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even

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  (317): Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night... (317): Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even http://tfl.nu/pe86
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  (940): View more from Texas

  An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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  (940): An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese. http://tfl.nu/bzrb
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  Hopefully she would park on my face.

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  (919): I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there. (1-919): Hopefully she would park on my face. http://tfl.nu/4722
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.

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  (214): Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school. http://tfl.nu/ngpq
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.

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  (416): I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for. http://tfl.nu/1pjy
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  (957): View more from

  I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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  (957): I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day. http://tfl.nu/42ia
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  Where the hell are you

  (706): View more from Georgia

  He's winning.

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  (706): I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon. (1-706): Where the hell are you (706): He's winning. http://tfl.nu/bx2u
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore

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  (440): Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore http://tfl.nu/9n7j
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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  (802): She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there. http://tfl.nu/44mo
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.

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  (832): My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over. http://tfl.nu/z5ao
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  (607): View more from New York

  Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.

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  (607): Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating. http://tfl.nu/yfie
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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  (732): hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals". http://tfl.nu/oep3
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy

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  (973): That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy http://tfl.nu/xazq
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

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  (780): I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815. http://tfl.nu/p37f
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy

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  (517): These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy http://tfl.nu/omc1
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.

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  (989): his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted. http://tfl.nu/sm1y
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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  (414): Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day http://tfl.nu/nn34
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  (949): View more from California

  you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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  (949): you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one http://tfl.nu/7gmu
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  (516): View more from New York

  my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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  (516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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  (262): He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage" http://tfl.nu/fr69
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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  (337): Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times. http://tfl.nu/ao6t
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  (626): View more from California

  she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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  (626): she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo http://tfl.nu/loae
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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  (330): The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life. http://tfl.nu/g5ok
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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  (484): Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar. http://tfl.nu/31fg
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