It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
they call him Oral-B. enough said
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.