Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I love having hate sex.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I understand Curling. That high.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
birth control should be required to get into college
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out