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The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
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