Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
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You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Actions speak louder than pants.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
it glows. i had to have it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you will always have a special place in my vag
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
Me, myself and I
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.