Texts From Last Night · curlygurly's Favorites

curlygurly's Favorites Texts:

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(647): View more from Ontario

you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'

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(224): View more from Illinois

I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

(617): View more from Massachusetts

wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

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(707): View more from California

i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(203): View more from Connecticut

I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.

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(406): View more from Montana

But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers

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(208): View more from Idaho

The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(720): View more from Colorado

There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."

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(949): View more from California

this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity

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(252): View more from North Carolina

When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful

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(906): View more from Michigan

After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.

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(518): View more from New York

I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober

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(716): View more from New York

Do you remember whose house we're in?

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(407): View more from Florida

It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck

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(208): View more from Idaho

Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.

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(702): View more from Nevada

WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe

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(440): View more from Ohio

When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house

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(520): View more from Arizona

I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks

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(434): View more from Virginia

Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me

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(716): View more from New York

She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.

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(619): View more from California

I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left

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(845): View more from New York

I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend

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(914): View more from New York

I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear

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(239): View more from Florida

I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep

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(585): View more from New York

Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?

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(408): View more from California

PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.

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(905): View more from Ontario

You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself

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(516): View more from New York

I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook

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(619): View more from California

Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her

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(727): View more from Florida

idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

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(518): View more from New York

Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.

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(425): View more from Washington

Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.

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(949): View more from California

The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.

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(916): View more from California

That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.

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(760): View more from California

This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?

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(530): View more from California

I wish to strangle

(310): View more from California

whoa there darth vader

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(480): View more from Arizona

Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.

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(254): View more from Texas

The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?

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(916): View more from California

Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.

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(517): View more from Michigan

fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick

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(773): View more from Illinois

On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult

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(914): View more from New York

I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin

(774): View more from Massachusetts

He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.

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(330): View more from Ohio

you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?

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(514): View more from Quebec

In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Why didn't I see you last night!?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.

(303): View more from Colorado

This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed

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(772): View more from Florida

Are you proud of yourself?

(407): View more from Florida

ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.

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(914): View more from New York

answer my text you professional douchebag

(914): View more from New York

and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.

(720): View more from Colorado

When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?

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(425): View more from Washington

I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow

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(636): View more from Missouri

I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night

(314): View more from Missouri

Welcome to 22

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(917): View more from New York City

You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.

(203): View more from Connecticut

That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue

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(703): View more from Virginia

She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.

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(512): View more from Texas

In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.

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(432): View more from Texas

They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!

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(310): View more from California

I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks

(310): View more from California

Like what do you want from me

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Are you still free tonight?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid

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(231): View more from Michigan

I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.

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(330): View more from Ohio

"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.

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(518): View more from New York

Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch

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(815): View more from Illinois

I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome

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(208): View more from Idaho

So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.

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(408): View more from California

Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.

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(253): View more from Washington

Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life

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(224): View more from Illinois

I haven't been sober in 4 days.

(1-224): View more from Illinois

Then be sober

(224): View more from Illinois

No.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5

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(303): View more from Colorado

All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"

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(561): View more from Florida

He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.

(770): View more from Georgia

So it may have been laced, sue me.

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(406): View more from Montana

Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.

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(727): View more from Florida

Why were you not born a dude?

(1-727): View more from Florida

Because god wanted to level the playing field

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied

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(254): View more from Texas

It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.

(214): View more from Texas

You need to calm down.

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(562): View more from California

Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night

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(727): View more from Florida

Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements

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(905): View more from Ontario

This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.

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(416): View more from Toronto

cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.

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(971): View more from Oregon

you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now

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(315): View more from New York

Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought

(1-315): View more from New York

Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR

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(530): View more from California

Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.

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(515): View more from Iowa

When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.

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(561): View more from Florida

am i new drunk or am i still drunk

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Does the room smell any better?

(859): View more from Kentucky

Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means

(651): View more from Minnesota

ITS ORAL SEX CAROL

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(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night

(212): View more from New York

Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate

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(425): View more from Washington

My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer

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(425): View more from Washington

I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms

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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(269): View more from Michigan

1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.

(269): View more from Michigan

7) Noodle arms: engage

(269): View more from Michigan

The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried

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(630): View more from Illinois

Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.

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(760): View more from California

Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs

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(904): View more from Florida

Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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(530): View more from California

I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me

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(516): View more from New York

Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time

(917): View more from New York City

An adult?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...

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(337): View more from Louisiana

So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom

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(873): View more from

I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(310): View more from California

If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave

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(+49): View more from Germany

Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.

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(940): View more from Texas

The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.

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(510): View more from California

Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...

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(713): View more from Texas

Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.

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(315): View more from New York

Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?

(540): View more from Virginia

Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude

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(206): View more from Washington

So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion

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(801): View more from Utah

If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how to spell recollection?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is

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(682): View more from Texas

Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"

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(310): View more from California

Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(205): View more from Alabama

It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.

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(904): View more from Florida

He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(941): View more from Florida

I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm on the struggle bus

(847): View more from Illinois

just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(703): View more from Virginia

We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to

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(206): View more from Washington

I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2

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(678): View more from Georgia

He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.

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(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

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(207): View more from Maine

traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(530): View more from California

I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(708): View more from Illinois

For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?

(773): View more from Illinois

To be honest, kinda.

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(707): View more from California

come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.

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(631): View more from New York

The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I swear they were about to hook up!!

(1-240): View more from Maryland

I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.

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(916): View more from California

This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.

(831): View more from California

How much did you smoke??

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(540): View more from Virginia

Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(607): View more from New York

Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.

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(540): View more from Virginia

She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(701): View more from North Dakota

and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back

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(503): View more from Oregon

im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night

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(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade

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(925): View more from California

Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

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(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(914): View more from New York

hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl

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(434): View more from Virginia

She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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(660): View more from Missouri

There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(706): View more from Georgia

we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

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(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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(214): View more from Texas

don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"

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(985): View more from Louisiana

The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

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(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"

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(415): View more from California

I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs

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(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today

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(504): View more from Louisiana

So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.

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(239): View more from Florida

No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him

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(906): View more from Michigan

nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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(352): View more from Florida

My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.

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(248): View more from Michigan

about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(817): View more from Texas

Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?

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(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(303): View more from Colorado

So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

since when the fuck is that glamorous?

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(519): View more from Ontario

i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..

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(815): View more from Illinois

Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

some bitch filled my sink with salsa.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid

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(517): View more from Michigan

Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...

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(305): View more from Florida

We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS

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(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

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(575): View more from New Mexico

If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(619): View more from California

Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.

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(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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(954): View more from Florida

I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"

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(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

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(727): View more from Florida

i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(951): View more from California

At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve

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(817): View more from Texas

Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

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(302): View more from Delaware

Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off

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(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(315): View more from New York

That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"

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(905): View more from Ontario

ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care

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(707): View more from California

I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(443): View more from Maryland

I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?

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(312): View more from Illinois

I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk

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(574): View more from Indiana

He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(917): View more from New York City

well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(909): View more from California

He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

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(802): View more from Vermont

is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?

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(847): View more from Illinois

ready 4 sex 2nite?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

wow. woo me matt, woo me.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

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(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink

(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver

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(925): View more from California

I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.

(713): View more from Texas

Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Yo quero taco bell

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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(586): View more from Michigan

if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen

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(773): View more from Illinois

Right on... I dropped my chapstick

(269): View more from Michigan

I blacked out

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(269): View more from Michigan

butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it

(734): View more from Michigan

Thanks?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing

(248): View more from Michigan

Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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(248): View more from Michigan

You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Who?

(248): View more from Michigan

Chris brown

(1-248): View more from Michigan

No way... I bet he was intense

(248): View more from Michigan

Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(773): View more from Illinois

i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.

(773): View more from Illinois

SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person

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(323): View more from California

Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me

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(407): View more from Florida

Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?

(313): View more from Michigan

No?

(586): View more from Michigan

Well my cheeks are red now

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(646): View more from New York

ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

(812): View more from Indiana

?

(646): View more from New York

Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

(662): View more from Mississippi

He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You have my attention.

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(312): View more from Illinois

awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

(708): View more from Illinois

Did someone propose they get off the stage?

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(740): View more from Ohio

We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville

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(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wakey wakey hands off snakey

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal

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(317): View more from Indiana

hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'

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(206): View more from Washington

This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

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(925): View more from California

"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.

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(310): View more from California

your room smells of hookers.

(904): View more from Florida

And success

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(847): View more from Illinois

I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?

(206): View more from Washington

Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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(616): View more from Michigan

She acts like you when your on meds

(510): View more from California

She acts like batman?

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(650): View more from California

We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

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(425): View more from Washington

Hi

(805): View more from California

Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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(251): View more from Alabama

Call me "white mamba"

(334): View more from Alabama

Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake

(251): View more from Alabama

It is white.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

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(845): View more from New York

At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

(515): View more from Iowa

I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

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(415): View more from California

Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

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(313): View more from Michigan

All I've ever wanted to do in life is right

(517): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should learn how to spell write first

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(714): View more from California

OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign

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