so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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